Cubs

I was on Sheffield Avenue the other day when a very drunk man dressed like a Chicago Cub barfed on him passed by me shouting homophobic slurs at everyone in sight, and I knew baseball season had begun. Because I'm a veteran of the North Side whose sports loyalties remain in the dismal smog of central and northeast Ohio, I obviously hate the Cubs. What Cubs fans don't understand (although some might) is that it would be a disaster if the Cubs actually won the World Series. Sports are entirely about mythmaking, about camaraderie and shared illusions.

Ending his recap of a recent Cubs loss, a local TV sports anchor said, "D'you know what Cubs fans have to look forward to this summer? Lollapalooza. " My wife, a Sox fan, wondered how I could still get excited about the prospect of going to games at Wrigley Field. "The place is broken down," she said, "and you're only going there to watch them lose. " It's true. I've been to Wrigley plenty of times, but I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen the home team win. Yet even on the countless losing days, I always walked away smiling, knowing I'd be back in no time.

A quick note to the Ricketts family - if you had enough money to buy the Cubs without relying on public aid to help you close the deal, you have enough money to fix up Wrigley Field without our help. Somewhere along the line, the public stopped being a potential fan base for professional sports franchises and more of a personal piggybank for billionaires looking to pad their bottom lines. The Rickettses, despite claiming to be a family of the people, are no different. Right now, they want the already severely cash-strapped city of Chicago to chip in $150 million to help renovate Wrigley and develop the area...

Can anyone on the White Sox or Cubs be this season's Philip Humber? Even though the journeyman pitcher tossed one of the most unlikely of the 23 perfect games in major league history for the Sox in 2012, the odds still are astronomical - about 1 in 20,000 - and the North Siders have yet to notch one in their long and storied history. 2K Sports has us thinking about it because the company is in the midst of its Perfect Game Challenge, in which gamers have logged more than 500,000 attempts at flawless pitching performances on "MLB 2K13" to win a piece of a $1 million pie. (For more on the contest,...

Somewhere in a Chicago convenience store, a Cubs fan is thumbing through the pages of his baseball preview. The prospects for next year look bleak. A cast of has-beens and could've-beens and probably-wont's fill the Cubs' roster page. The projection shows fourth in the NL Central. The overall preview is depressing. Unfortunately for him, this fan carries a life-threatening disease. It's called "The Disease of '89"; an improbable case of hope that plagues every Cubs fan, but especially those older than 30. No matter what the projection shows, no matter where the players came from, no...

Because they're unwatchable, I ignore the Cubs. However, Theo Epstein could use a word of advice. Theo, you need to launch Starlin Castro immediately, and you know why. Simply: He was picked before you got here. That means he's tainted, damaged goods, a heartbreaker. If you want to rebuild this thing, tear it all the way down and nuke it good. As Ronald Reagan would say: "Mr. Epstein, tear down this franchise!" Put another way, trust yourself more than you trust the people who brought you: Corey Patterson, Felix Pie, Rich Hill, Bobby Hill, Mike Harkey, Gary Scott, Derrick...

The last time the Cubs played a truly meaningful game, Barack Obama was still a U.S. senator and the "Twilight" series existed only in book form. It's been a long, rough road through the unmet high expectations of 2009, the midseason quit job of 2010 and the general malaise of 2011. But I believe the franchise may have hit rock bottom, and there's no way from there but up. If you've disengaged from regular Cubs fandom - and judging by sinking broadcast ratings and empty seats at Wrigley, you have - now is the time to make like Captain Picard.

Even for the Cubs, this has been a bizarre week. You can't help but think there's something else at work. You know what we mean. No deal The Cubs wanted to have a Wrigley Field renovation plan in place by Monday. Uh, yeah, that didn't happen. They're still talking things over with city officials and Wrigleyville rooftop owners. Blah, blah, blah. Curse meter: 2 out of 5   Ewwwww … We're all for sending a message to team management when things aren't working out, but not like this.

Opening day is on the way, baseball fans. This Thursday, Wrigley Field's executive chef David Burns, who previously worked at local restaurants Le Bouchon and La Sardine, kicks off his seventh season designing the concession menus for the Cubs' home base. On April 13, U.S. Cellular Field's executive chef Olegario Soto, a former Spiaggia sous chef, will start his eight season with the Sox. We polled both chefs on fan favorites as well as what's new to their gametime menus this season.

Chicago Sun-Times reports: The Cubs will ask the Commission on Chicago Landmarks next month for the go-ahead to put up a 75-foot electronic sign in right field at historic Wrigley Field if the city insists that approval is required, a team official said Monday. Get the full story at SunTimes.com .

The Rickettses have their deal, now I want mine. Mine's real simple. Take all the money the Cubs are going to make with advertising, take all the money they're going to make with the new TV deal (there's that word again), and just put it all back into scouting, player development, and when required, megabucks for megastars. Blueprint questions? See Boston Red Sox 2003-present. I don't care about scoreboards, sidewalks, concourses, clubs, amenities, hotels, parking, street fairs, politics, zoning or ordinances.

Even for the Cubs, this has been a bizarre week. You can't help but think there's something else at work. You know what we mean. No deal The Cubs wanted to have a Wrigley Field renovation plan in place by Monday. Uh, yeah, that didn't happen. They're still talking things over with city officials and Wrigleyville rooftop owners. Blah, blah, blah. Curse meter: 2 out of 5   Ewwwww … We're all for sending a message to team management when things aren't working out, but not like this.

As police search for the person who delivered to Wrigley Field a goat head addressed to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts, the rest of Chicago is left wondering where the heck one might find such an item in the first place. Turns out, it's not that hard. “Simple,” said Paulina Meat Market owner Bill Begale. “We're getting goats in next Monday and we get 'em with the head on. There's no use for them. There's no use for them except goofy stuff.” A package with the head arrived Wednesday at the park and did not include a note, according to reports.

I'd like to talk to you about a very special word used here in Chicago. That word is "patience" and Cubs fans are once again being asked for it. One of the seven heavenly virtues. The question: How much do Cub fans have? I walked off this job long ago, but anyone who has seen this team this year knows this: At the major league level, they have … nothing. I'll give you Anthony Rizzo for the future and maybe Starlin Castro when he's not in la-la land, but that's it for position players.

Albert Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If he invented a time machine and warped to Wrigleyville at any time in the past few decades, I imagine the cartoon version of him would say "Zees are zee kookiest kooks I haff ever zeen!" Then he'd slam an Old Style and dream up a new Theory of Beer Relativity where T equals a beer's taste and W equals the proximity to Wrigley Field. Time-traveling, mop-haired geniuses aside, the most tortured fanbase in American pro sports is still composed of mostly insane...

I know what you're thinking: How did *I* get lucky enough to get to write a Cubs season preview? I mean, if the first few games of have taught us anything, it's that there's so much to look forward to! OK, there's probably not that much to look forward to. The Cubs are going to play some pretty craptacular baseball. And we're in, like, YEAR THREE of craptacular baseball, so at this point, there isn't a ton I can say to comfort you. Lower your expectations for this article accordingly.

Following changes in ticket prices, the Cubs are now considering more afternoon start times for Friday games, as well as additional Saturday night games. The organization is asking East Lakeview residents to help them make the decision. In a survey issued to Lakeview residents, the Cubs wrote, "On such an important issue for the Cubs, we believe it's important the voice of the entire community is heard and would appreciate your feedback. " The Cubs said 3:05 p.m. start times on Friday would allow more fans to attend games after work and provide the team additional time to prepare after...

If the rumblings prove true and 2013 sees the North Siders playing next season at The Cell while Wrigley is revamped, I'm going to do something I swore I never would. I am going to pray the Cubs suck. The thought of hoping a team tanks - the one with a big white flag with a "W" on it to which I've pledged allegiance - makes me feel less Chicago patriotic than putting ketchup on a hot dog while genuinely appreciating the tastefulness of the Marilyn statue. But it must be done.

Will Wrigley Field still qualify as the Friendly Confines in four years? The Cubs are working on a $500 million deal with the city that will allow team ownership to give Wrigley and some surrounding property a massive makeover. The plan calls for new signage, including a JumboTron in left field. The Ricketts family also is set on adding luxury suites, fancy dining areas and more night games. Also in the works: a new parking garage, a seven-story hotel across the street at the McDonald's property, an office/retail plaza and more.

The pieces aren't in place yet for the Cubs, but the plan is and so is the braintrust. Whether Tom Ricketts, Theo Epstein and Dale Sveum will succeed remains a mystery, and the fact is there's more to be done. A lot more. So on the cusp of Wrigley Field's 99th birthday, RedEye presents 99 things the Cubs need to do before they can return to glory. 99. Win the World Series. Duh. 98. Make Carlos Marmol go bye bye. 97. Tell the rooftop owners to go pound sand.