December 26, 2013 |
The nightmare scenario is upon us. Aaron Rodgers returns Sunday for the Packers, and the Bears will not be able to stop him. That's because the Bears can't stop anybody. My favorite reaction from the Bears stomping by the Eagles was this: "Let's burn the tape. " Yeah, let's burn the tape. Hey, Jay Cutler, when your agent sits down with the Bears and pitches a ridiculous contract, I'd like to say, "Um, sorry Jay, didn't get a chance to review your performance this year. We burned the tapes.
December 26, 2013 |
Green Bay all-Earth quarterback Aaron Rodgers is going to play Sunday. Honestly, you knew he would. Destiny and stuff, man. This is a playoff game, and if he sat he'd be downgraded to mere demigod status across Wisconsin. No more free refills on cheese curds OR Spotted Cow. (He would still receive complimentary seasonal snowmobile and jet ski service on over 1,400 lakes statewide.) Maybe Shea McClellin can reprise his one single useful play this season and crack Rodgers in the neck again?
December 18, 2013 |
It's Christmas card time and I have only one this year. And it goes to the Detroit Lions. Dear bankrupt, sorry, toads of the NFL, Thank you for your disgusting, lackluster attempts at football this season. While real football franchises such as the Packers and Bears struggled with injuries, you had none. You had the division title given to you on a silver platter, and you were not man enough to take it. Ridiculous losses against the Eagles and Ravens have lowered you to butt clown status.
December 13, 2013 |
Even Bear fans weren't this desperate to heal their QB. In a video posted to YouTube Thursday, a certifiably insane Green Bay Packer fan uses PBR, "blood" and tarot cards in what he calls a "mystic ceremony" to heal QB Aaron Rodgers broken collar bone. You know, the broken collar bone the Bears' defense was responsible for. The video concludes with the occult mixture being spread on a photo of Rodgers', both on his shoulder and then on his groin, for some reason. There's also a bottle of girdinera next to Rodgers' photo in the...
November 6, 2013 |
Has your afterglow faded from Monday night's historic Bears win? Seriously, put some pants on. Or at least throw on a robe. And yes, I said "historic. " I searched through Pro-Football-Reference.com to find a Bears-Packers game where Chicago was a bigger underdog and pulled off the upset. The site's Vegas line data goes back to 1978, and no Bears win over Green Bay since then had a steeper line than Monday's Green Bay -10.5. Ever. So if you feel like your exuberation should be muted because the Bears did it against Seneca Wallace and not Aaron...
November 4, 2013 |
If you're one of those fans who watched Monday's Bears-Packers game simply to pass the time before the release of "Call of Duty: Ghosts" on Tuesday, well, that's understandable. However, you might not have realized Marc Trestman's team strikes a parallel with the game. You could say the Bears, like the protagonists in "Ghosts," represent "a crippled nation fighting not for freedom, or liberty, but simply to survive. " (That synopsis comes straight from the game's website.) After all, the Bears have so many injuries to key players that the underdog card is one of the few...