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What really went down between Jay Z and Solange? We've got the story

Last Monday night

May 13, 2014|RedEye, @redeyechicago | RedEye

The juiciest celebrity gossip machine of 2014 just keeps getting juicier. Following the release Monday of security camera footage that allegedly shows Solange Knowles attacking brother-in-law Jay Z in an elevator, Jay and wife Beyonce appeared courtside at a Brooklyn Nets game. The New York Daily News is reporting that Solange blew up after Jay decided to ditch Beyonce to attend Rihanna's Met Ball after-party. Yeah, we'd be pissed too.

Since all parties are keeping their lips tightly zipped, we can only speculate about what went down here. Fortunately, we at RedEye have some pretty wild imaginations. Several members of the staff played a game of exquisite corpse -- you know, that old party game where you pass a piece of paper around to write a story and each person is only allowed to see what the person directly ahead of them wrote. Here's what happened. Yes, they pay us to do this.

Person 1: So, Solange, Jay Z and Beyonce were really, really late for the Met Ball red carpet.

Person 2: And then Jay Z said, "The theme was `white tie and decorations,' not `jacked-up prom.' What the hell is that dress?"

Person 3: Solange replied, "Is there such a thing as a prom that's not jacked-up?" Everyone in the elevator high-fived, except for one person. Jigga Man feels left out.

Person 4: Jay Z felt the rage well up inside him until it escaped through his mouth in the form of this very regrettable comment: "Solange, you don't even look that good in jumpsuits."

Person 5: "I'm sorry, Jay Z," said Steve Harvey. "But survey answers can only be one word. Solange: Name something women wear that is both pants and a top."

Person 6: Solange paused, her eyes narrowing. "Overalls," she answered decisively.

Person 7: "Oh good," Jay Z replied, clapping his hands and turning to Beyonce. "Wait until Kanye sees this."

Person 8: What the paparazzi and pundits didn't realize in their frenzy to document the aging rapper and family man's SEO-friendly marriage was that he was secretly engaged in a gentlemen's bet with Mr. West to see who could get their less-wealthy, less-talented and less-curvaceous sisters-in-law to crack first, since the "Who can name their child the most weirdly boring word that is both a noun and an adjective?" competition had ended in stalemate.

Person 9: As the elevator doors closed and the sound of the Muzak system playing the chorus to "Waterfalls" filled the cramped space, it came to him and he began to utter the words that broke the final straw: "Damn, Solange, I remember when you guys dropped this song ..."

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