Your life is a runway, bro

OPINION

  • "Seinfeld"
"Seinfeld"
March 11, 2014|By Ernest Wilkins, @ernestwilkins | RedEye

Do you consider yourself fashionable?

A piece on fashion blog The Cut alerted me to a trend circulating through the circle of people whose job it is to tell us about the new hot trends in fashion. According to these folks, a trend called "Normcore" has invaded the cities of Milan, Paris and New York. Basically, it means dressing like Jerry Seinfeld circa: life, or a dad from the south suburbs of Chicago, complete with jorts, socks with sandals, turtlenecks and fleece pullovers. (Although not at once ... I think?)

The whole vibe is to not stand out at all. Rather than lament the absolute death of any sort of creativity in the world of fashion, I'd like to take a moment to be positive. It is now possible to dress like literally anything and be considered a fashion icon. Allow me to forecast some trends you can expect to see on the runways soon:

Shackcore: This minimalist style focuses on dressing like it's 10:07 a.m. the day after (insert annual campus-wide rager here) and you've got to get the hell out of whatever stranger's Ikea bed you're sleeping in. It's a sporty look at best. Mix basketball shorts with that weird sparkly top with the shoulder-off thing! Pair a "Theta Alpha Gamma Hayride 2006" tee with dark denim and a pair of Nikes, and you'll turn that walk of shame into a stride of pride!

Smashcore: Taking themes from the greatest wrestlers of all time, this trend pairs the highlights of the runway with the gritty nature of a steel cage match. Think tassels, white boots and a belt buckle so big it looks like the old WCW title. For bonus points, rip all off your shirts in public places. Up for a performance review? Drive home the point that you're willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES by painting your face and wearing spandex.

Brewcore: This one just consists of wearing slightly too tight shirts from microbreweries with one of those hats those dorks wore in "Newsises."

JVcore: Any combination of amateur wrestling headgear, letterman jackets, those weird ruffled skirts all the girls in Poms wore and baseball cleats. Tres sportive!

Keefcore: Follow Chief Keef on Instagram. See what he's wearing? Wear that. (This look may not be as boardroom friendly as the others. Anyone gives you crap? Quit. They aren't keeping it 100 at that PR firm anyway.)

Any of these looks catch your eye? Be sure to post a pic with the hashtag #WingmanFashunz. Happy fashion!

Ernest Wilkins is Chicago's wingman. He is the proud owner of two limited-edition "Free Mike Rich" T-shirts.

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