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Second thoughts on sex and apps

OPINION

(Courtney Keating / Getty…)
February 20, 2014|By Jen Kim @thisjenkim | For RedEye

Meet Glance, a brand-new app coming soon to a sex-app store near you. The $1,500 Google Glass experience is hitting the sheets, making you a sort-of boudoir Scorsese. Bam chicka bam bam.

Have you ever wanted to have sex with Glass? Probably not. Yet students in London apparently did, which is why they created an app that allows you to see what your partner is seeing during sexy time—and presumably non-sexy time.

Oh, yes, you get to capture every angle, every weird nook and cranny. And, BONUS, it also conveniently records everything into a homemade porno in case you want to take notes or invite friends over for dinner and a movie.

It goes without saying that this app is a bad idea. And to prove it, I’ve written a few imaginary conversations detailing what could (and probably will) go horribly wrong if you invite Glass into the various stages of coitus. 

 

Foreplay

Man: Hey, babe. Want to have sex while wearing Google Glass?

Woman: What the what? Why?

Man: So we can see each other doing it.

Woman: So you’re saying that you’d rather watch yourself having sex with me than watch me?

Man: Um ... not exactly.

Woman: Um ... yes, exactly. That is both disgusting and narcissistic. We’re over.

 

Intercourse

Man: *Out of breath.* Hey, babe. You like this? 

Woman: Yeah, babe. This is great. I love seeing ... WHAT THE [BLEEP]?!

Man: What happened? You OK?

Woman: There’s something on my back. Like a growth. What the heck is that?

Man: Don’t stop. It’s nothing. I mean, it’s always been there.

Woman: What do you mean it’s always been there? Since when? This could be cancer.

Man: Babe, please don’t stop. Don’t do this.

Woman: I’m going to the
hospital. We’re over.

 

Post coitus

Man: Wow, this is so hot. Our very own sex tape.

Woman: Umm. Why is all the footage only of you?

Man: I dunno—I guess, cuz you were looking at me.

Woman: Yeah, but weren’t you looking at me?

Man: Of course I was.

Woman: Then shouldn’t I be in it a little? I’m like an extra in this thing.

Man: Babe. Relax. So what, I checked myself out a little.

Woman: We’re over.

Jen Kim is a RedEye special contributor.


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