Like most major events, the Super Bowl is more fun when you can monitor the fun on Twitter. Unfortunately, the big game tends to bring out some of the absolute worst people. Here's our list of 10 characters making the world more annoying, 140 characters at a time.
Despite being born and raised in New Orleans, Lord Weezington has decided that his fan-hood is up for grabs and has managed to root for every team in the finals of every sport the last 8 years. Count on a throwaway "Go Seahawks!" before the game, a "Go Broncos!" during the first quarter and a dizzying array of flip-flops until somehow he's managed to not only root for the winner, but also sign the starting tight end to a record deal. It's Young Moolah, baby!
Some random brand
It happens every year. With the right combination of timing and wit, some completely obscure brand's social media manager NAILS it with a single tweet. It's impossible to predict, but it's a sure shot that everyone in your office will be talking about it. "OMG, did you see what Sociables Crackers tweeted right before halftime? Brilliant!"
The shame gamer
Passion leveled toward sporting events brings out a very special type of jackmuffin: the shame gamer. "If only that many people could put their energy into public education," he somberly exclaims alone to his television. "The millions of dollars spent on that Tostitos commercial could have fed an entire third-world schoolhouse for a day," he states as his cat prays to be struck deaf. Look, we get your point. But there's this thing called fun and every now and then we're all allowed to partake in it.
"Tweet the hashtag #MyColgateMemory for a chance to spend the day with Hakeem Olajuwon?!" Yes, there are people who not only do everything a brand tells them to, but also GET REALLY EXCITED ABOUT IT. Tweet a photo of you and your favorite Brawny product? YES. Instagram your ride and tag @transformers? DONE. Like the ASPCAs Facebook page and leave a comment for the puppies? TWIST MY ARM. These cogs keep the marketing machine turning. And of course, they're the same people with tweets like "OMG1! @TheRealRosanne! PLZ RT IT IS MY BIRTHDAY.
#TOUCHDOWN. That's it. This person only announces when one team advances the ball into the opposing team's end zone, as if millions of people watching the same damn thing at the same damn time have suddenly gone blind.
A man who is not crying
Seriously. He's not. He's had a few too many beers, it's been an emotional game but he's absolutely, 100 percent not squirting tears by the dozens after that Budweiser horse ad. Honestly, he just got done making a second batch of guacamole, and his wet cheeks have nothing to do with the Clydesdales that were just on TV after the 72nd GoDaddy commercial.
The colorless commentator/The beige broadcaster
"Gotta run here." "He's gotta throw that earlier." With such insightful tweet commentary, why would you ever listen to the real thing? This analytic wonder will bombard your feed with the most obvious notes on what a player should and shouldn't be doing. Oh, you think the offensive line has to get off the snap quicker? Why don't you get off Twitter and apply that wisdom to your local high school team? They need you!
The guy who might lose a kneecap
It's one thing to have a friendly wager on the game or just adopt a team for the purpose of smack-talking your friends, but does anybody else notice how ... intense this guy is about the game? Almost as if ... his bodily health depends on it? Sample timeline: "Should have split the double on the national anthem prop bet." "Everybody knows Renee Fleming can't hit the high A in cold weather. Stupid STUPID" followed by a furious all-caps rant immediately followed byemotional tweets about how much he loves his daughter and how he's not a bad person. Pray for him (and his appendages).
Puppy Bowl A**hole
Listen, I don't care how cute they are, you have to be higher than Nancy Grace's eyebrows to truly enjoy the Puppy Bowl. If you want to see a bunch of mutts running around in a box for 30 minutes, go volunteer at a shelter. Oh, you think they should replace the Super Bowl with the Puppy Bowl? Well, I think we should replace you with an articulate human who can tweet more things than "LOLZ YEAH PUPPIES HOW GREAT OMG THEY'RE DOGS BUT SMALL VERSIONS OF DOGS."
Jabba the chuckle hutt
Blame it on the media. Once people started development deals and contracts based on the Twitter equivalent of those 20,000 page joke books your grandparents kept in the john, the onslaught of people doing everything in their power to crack wise about every possible event on Earth won't stop on Super Bowl Sunday. There's nothing wrong with a clever observation, but the 140 characters of struggle have to go. Oh, you made a Bieber joke! GOOD FOR YOU, CAPPIE. I hope you choke on the crushing weight of your expectations.
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