Only the Cubs could botch a mascot

  • The Cubs' new mascot, Clark, has caused quite a stir. Which is a very Cubs thing to happen.
The Cubs' new mascot, Clark, has caused quite a stir. Which is a very… (Courtesy of the Chicago…)
January 16, 2014|By Bag Boy | For RedEye

Only the Cubs.

Only the Chicago Cubs would roll out a mascot that makes everyone angry. Clark is his name, I'm sure you've seen him. I believe he replaces Ronnie "Woo Woo" Wickers, though I imagine Ronnie is still getting his drinks for free.

FYI: Ronnie has a Wikipedia entry. I guess we all should.

Anyway, to Clark. First, put some pants on. Second, seriously dude, the hat. Cheap plastic, snap fitted, worn backward. The whole thing screams "frat boy punk." Idea: Let's get him some plaid shorts and complete the outfit.

The real sadness comes when you realize this is the biggest move the Cubs have made this offseason.

I think the mascot is supposed to tide us over until the kids arrive. Kris Bryant, Albert Almora, Jorge Soler and Javier Baez—all expected soon. Like, you know, Corey Patterson and Felix Pie.

Felix Pie. Still haunts me.

Anyway, enjoy the mascot. He's available for parties, corporate events and the funerals of Cubs fans of a certain age who will pass before the team wins another title.

Actually, we rejoice this was rolled out. Because there is nothing else. College basketball. The state of Illinois has zero teams in the top 25. Our best bet? Check the "Others receiving votes" column. Illinois. We salute coach Jon Groce—it takes tremendous heart and dedication to wear that orange blazer, but the bad news is he had it before he had the Illinois job. Weird.

Professional basketball, possibly worse. Yes, we salute the Bulls for genuine effort and desire. Coach Thibs, you may want to stick around. I hear rumors of unhappiness, but I can assure you: Go anywhere else in the NBA and you will be dealing with children. I hear your name mentioned with the Knicks. The Knicks. Go ahead, try it. You'll wish you didn't. Unless you like romper room.

It's fun making fun of pain in other cities. That's why we give thanks to the Detroit Lions. Only they could botch finding a coach for "the best job out there." They get undistinguished Jim Caldwell, and the Bears may get two wins a year.

Thanks, Detroit.

Bag Boy is a RedEye special contributor.

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