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  • Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss Everdeen in "The Hunger Games: Catching Fire"
Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss Everdeen in "The Hunger Games: Catching…
December 29, 2013|By Matt Kuttan, @mkuttan | For RedEye

Time for another round of New Year's resolutions! I generally forget these by Jan. 31, but please feel free to take any of these as your own.

>>After all the Derrick Rose media hype, I will take a medical school entrance exam with my newfound expertise on the medial meniscus and anterior cruciate ligament.

>>Even though I kinda like him, I'll throw up if I see yet another Ron Burgundy promotion.

>>I will Google what "pop that Molly" means.

>>I'll return some of that stolen European art I bought a few years ago from a shady dealer.

>>If I hurt myself twerking, I'll sign up for Obamacare even if I have to wait next to my computer for a week.

>>I'll check into rehab with Chris Brown for my "Minecraft" and "Candy Crush" addictions.

>>I'll visit Dominick's one last time to have a clueless employee send me down the wrong aisle for a bottle of Sriracha.

>>I won't pay for an autograph session with Johnny Manziel. With the money I save, I'll put in an offer on Michael Jordan's mansion in Highland Park.

>>If I cannot decide between the new Xbox One and PS4, I'll just dust off my old Atari 2600.

>>I will finally get into Girl & the Goat for a selfie and buy some $100 cheese at Eataly.

>>I will switch my phone service to Sprint just to see if James Earl Jones and Malcolm McDowell read my texts in a commercial.

>>I will stop hashtagging, especially #breakingbad, #royalbaby, #404error and #ricin.

>>I will stream "Orange is the New Black" and some Paul Walker movies.

>>Even though I'm not a Catholic, Pope Francis just might get me into a church.

>>I just might visit North Korea with Dennis Rodman to see what they're smoking together over there.

>>I'd like to see Jean Claude Van Damme do a split between two reversing salt trucks on the Kennedy.

>>I will get a pet camel so he can yell "hump day" to me every Wednesday morning.

>>I will continue to admire Jennifer Lawrence as she crushes anything she does. And feel the exact opposite for James Franco.

>>I will keep watching the Auburn-Alabama 109-yard missed field goal return on my DVR.

>>I will not care who the next Dr. Who is or what a Kimye is.

>>I'll get a head start on growing my playoff beard as the Hawks make another long run into the postseason.

>>And finally, I will knit "Never kick a field goal on second down" on my next ugly holiday sweater.

Matt Kuttan is a RedEye special contributor.

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