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This bag is your bag, Lions

December 18, 2013|By Bag Boy | For RedEye

It's Christmas card time and I have only one this year.

And it goes to the Detroit Lions.

Dear bankrupt, sorry, toads of the NFL,

Thank you for your disgusting, lackluster attempts at football this season.

While real football franchises such as the Packers and Bears struggled with injuries, you had none. You had the division title given to you on a silver platter, and you were not man enough to take it. Ridiculous losses against the Eagles and Ravens have lowered you to butt clown status.

My friends in Detroit call you "SOL." That means "Same Old Lions." You have Matthew Stafford, Calvin Johnson, Reggie Bush, a defensive line any team would die for … and you're in third place!

My friends from Michigan call and leave me voice mails. FYI: I'm not a suicide prevention hotline. Quit calling me!

But mostly, I just want to say thanks for being in our division. Without you guys, we'd have no shot at the playoffs! So, Happy holidays and go someplace warm in January. You won't be playing football.

—BB

P.S. spread your sickness to the Red Wings and Tigers, please.

Unfortunately, the fall of the Lions brings up a frightening scenario. The ghost of Christmas present has appeared again—and they are the Green Bay Packers! You've seen this before, say, 2010. I say Aaron Rodgers comes back for the final game of the season against the Bears, and the Packers somehow win the game and the NFC North title. And somehow win the Super Bowl. We'll be home watching! Yay!

Look, Bears, two more wins! You (we?) can do this! Lance Briggs is back! Cutler is already back! It's like the old days!

Here's what I know: Offense is clicking, running game coming along, defense starting to become watchable. Take us home!

Strangely, there's another Chicago tem keeping me warm. The White Sox? Hey, Rick Hahn, enough! Again, the guy has silently retooled like 80 percent of the starting lineup, gotten younger and gotten faster, all in the last six months.

All this while the Cubs … next to nothing. Note to Theo: YOU DON'T NEED CITY COUNCIL APPROVAL TO MAKE IMPROVEMENTS!

Happy Holidays.

Bag Boy is a RedEye special contributor.

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