Josh McCown is headed to the Hall of Fame. Just you watch. (Brian Cassella / Chicago…)
CANTON, OHIO – 2027
I was telling everyone I would just get up here and say thanks, but there are too many people to mention.
First, thank you to Arizona, Detroit, Oakland, Miami, Carolina, Hartford and San Francisco for not believing in me. Without you being so incredibly stupid, I never would have ended up in the greatest city in the world.
Thank you to that one quarterback, Jay Butler or whatever, for always getting hurt. Without you, I would never be here.
Thanks to Alshon Jeffery. You are my Pippen. Even I didn't think it was possible to catch 100 touchdowns in a year. You always proved me wrong.
Speaking of Michael Jordan, you know what they say, the first six championships are the hardest, right, Michael? Oh yeah, you never got to seven. Suck it, M.J.
And thanks to Brian Urlacher for coming out of retirement during that crazy first Super Bowl in 2014. You were the missing piece.
A big thank you to Marc Trestman. When I found out we hired you, I was skeptical. Little did I know you would end up as unquestionably the greatest coach in football history. It was a really nice touch that the NFL made the Packers rename their field Trestman Field because you were so much better than that other guy.
Thanks to the Pro Football Hall of Fame for charging $10,000 for seats to my induction, I guess.
Thanks to Tom Brady, Peyton Manning and Drew Brees for being worse than I was. If you weren't, I couldn't have won so many Super Bowls. And my apologies to Marshall Manning. It must really suck to be the quarterback following in my footsteps.
Thanks to all the Bears fans. Without your calls to sports talk shows, tweets and incoherent Facebook posts, the Bears may never have stuck with me. I am incredibly proud to be your mayor.
I'll see you on Monday for the ceremony to add a 3,000-foot spire on top of the Willis Tower to make it the tallest building in the world again.
One day you might look up and see me playing at 60. Don't laugh. Impossible is just a mindset.
Scott Bolohan is a RedEye special contributor.
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