Ten Halloween costumes you won't see in Chicago

OPINION

  • A Divvy user wearing a helmet is about as rare a sight as a smile on Jay Cutler's face.
A Divvy user wearing a helmet is about as rare a sight as a smile on Jay Cutler's… (Chicago Tribune file photo )
October 15, 2013|By John Hickey, @johnnyjhickey | For RedEye

Halloween is just around the corner, and while everybody will be doing their best Walter White and Johnny Football imitations, there are a handful of costumes that you will not see roaming the streets of Chicago on Oct. 31. Here is a list of Chicago's least popular costume ideas.

1. Derrick Rose on crutches

Ladies and gentlemen, he's back—and not a moment too soon. When D-Rose went down against Philadelphia in 2012, I lay under my comforter for three days. People thought my dog died. In reality, my dawg tore his ACL. Welcome back, Derrick. We love you. Chi-town get down.

2. Satisfied Ventra customer

"The transition was seamless. My card arrived on time and fully activated with my monthly pass transferred over from Chicago Card Plus. I've had very few issues while commuting with it, and when I do the customer service is top notch." —nobody in this city of almost 3 million people

3. A Chicago baseball fan

Nobody will recognize you in October. You'd be better off wearing a Chicago Fire jersey.

4. Harry Potter character

Give it up, guys, the books and movies are over with. Also, those of us who grew up on Harry Potter are almost 30.

5. Helmet-clad Divvy biker

Here was the idea: Let's give every person who shouldn't ride a bicycle in one of the most congested cities in the country the ability to pick one up on every street corner. The people who can safely operate a bike already own one, but we don't want the non-bicycle owners to feel left out! Sorry, helmets are out of the question. There's no science that proves helmets decrease the risk of injury.

6. Anything involving a foam finger

Thanks a lot, Miley. I really wanted to go as Bill Swerski's Superfans for the ninth year in a row.

7. A Chicago 2016 Olympic judge

Is anybody else still broken up about this? It wasn't just that I wanted to see the Olympics in my hometown so much as it would have created so many great excuses for why I was running late to the office in the morning.

8. Finn Hudson

No, it's not "too soon" for somebody to dress up as that kid from "Glee" who passed away. I'm sorry, did I say kid? I meant 31-year-old man with a crippling heroin addiction who played a kid on TV. That's why it's not a costume worth wearing.

9. Greenpeace employee

Actually somebody could dress like a Greenpeace worker, but it wouldn't be that great of a costume because everybody would ignore them.

10. Chicago Marathon runner

Nope, that's just some guy who still hasn't taken off his marathon gear, three weeks later. We get it, pal, you weren't good at sports in high school. Hate to break it to you, but running a marathon in eight hours isn't an accomplishment. It's walking. You know they give medals to everyone, right?

John Hickey is a RedEye special contributor.

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