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Kickstart your government

OPINION

(Julia Schmalz/Bloomberg )
October 01, 2013|By Scott Bolohan, @scottbolohan | For RedEye

Love national parks? Panda cams? What about space exploration? Of course you do!

With your generous support, you can help preserve all of it! The same people who brought you such monumental advances as the Bill of Rights, Social Security and Hawaii need your help.

For the past 250ish years, we've had a pretty good run here, but we've fallen on difficult times. With the government being shut down, we're looking to alternative means to keep our services running while Congress refuses to pay the bills.

We know, we know—you're all like, "Not another government Kickstarter." But this is different ... we swear! (And if you think this is desperate, just wait until the debt ceiling fight comes to a head in a couple of weeks.) We know we have a lot of great fans out there, and you've always been super supportive, but it would be awesome if you would help us keep our dream alive and make the U.S. government even bigger and better than before.

Even a donation as small as $100 million will make a difference in helping us reach our goal to reopen the government.

We have some great rewards for everyone who helps out, so we would be grateful if you shared this on Facebook or tweeted it. We need all the help we can get! Hey, maybe even your parents have a couple billion they wouldn't mind contributing. We can do this!

Thank you for your support! Here's what you get for your generous donations.

Pledge $5 or more

One of those little American flags on a toothpick.

Pledge $100 or more

A personalized email from Kal Penn.

Pledge $1,000 or more

Your name in the liner notes of a "Star-Spangled Banner" single.

Pledge $1 million or more

Five minutes in Area 51.

Pledge $100 million or more

A game of H-O-R-S-E with President Obama.

Pledge $1 billion or more

Your face replaces Teddy Roosevelt's on Mount Rushmore. We're not sure how he got on there in the first place.

Pledge $10 billion or more

Take Air Force One on a round trip anywhere in the continental United States.

Pledge $100 billion or more

Wyoming. Do as you wish—it's yours.

Pledge $500 billion or more

A one-hour lesson from the congressman of your choice on whatever it is he or she does.

Pledge $1 trillion or more

You get all of the above—and everyone can go to the doctor!

Scott Bolohan is a RedEye special contributor.

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