Might as well date your cat

(John J. Kim/Chicago Tribune )
September 23, 2013|By Molly Fedick, @mollyfedick | For RedEye

Sometimes in the shower, profound thoughts dawn on me. This is one of them: Every guy I've dated behaves exactly like my cat.

This is ironic mostly because 99 percent of men claim to hate cats. Why? Guys, you act just like the furry friends you claim to despise. And don't even try to tell me you're like a dog. Everyone loves dogs. When was the last time you saw a girl cry over the way her dog was texting another owner? So, sorry, you're not a dog.

Here's a purr-fect (sorry, couldn't resist) example: I am sitting on my bed right now, typing away, and my cat will not leave me alone. He is pawing at me, trying to lay on my chest, trying to pull off the covers—anything to get my attention. Every time I shove him off he becomes more desperate for my affection.

Compare that with the times I want to play with him. If he's not "busy" sleeping or playing with the Advil bottle he knocks onto the ground and bats around (his version of watching football) he will gladly play with me—but only if it involves some sort of physical challenge or, err, activity. I can't tell you the number of times I've tried to get him to sit still for an episode of "Teen Mom" with me and he downright refuses.

My kitty is typically very nice, but once in awhile we'll get in a fight. Instead of dealing with it by communicating with me with a nice meow or a lick, he runs off to the other room and ignores me until it's time to feed him. Then all of a sudden the fight never happened. Gosh, this sounds very familiar. I'm sure if he had the option he would drive to Chipotle for a depressing solo burrito during our arguments.

If for some reason I decide I need to teach him a lesson and refuse his sad attempts at reconciliation (doing that figure eight thing around my legs, which I've pretty much experienced from male humans groveling for my forgiveness), I will walk into my bedroom ... at which point I can see him thinking about sleeping with my roommate, who happens to be my sister. I see the wheels turning but he always runs back to me at the last minute. Close call.

Here's the best one—this cat refuses to let me take a shower by myself. I have to lock the door if I want him to stay out of the bathroom, because even if it's closed, he will find a way to sneak in and stare at me while sitting on the toilet or the edge of the tub. What a creep.

So, guys, news flash: I know you want to think you're exactly like a fun-loving, affectionate puppy, but you're not. Get over it. If it makes you feel any better, I think girls are probably closest to swans. Elegant, graceful but absolutely EFFING CRAZY and will ruin your life if you don't watch out.

Molly Fedick is a RedEye special contributor.

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