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Hot or not: bromantic behavior

OPINION

  • Only one man should wear the Hulkamania shirts ...
Only one man should wear the Hulkamania shirts ... (NBC )
August 20, 2013|By Jason Steele, @CBQSteele | For RedEye

One of the joys of being a gay man is enjoying the unintentionally homoerotic behaviors of straight men. Recently, my partner and I witnessed on a balcony across the alley from our apartment three very hot, very straight and very shirtless guys shaving each other's heads.

If you're gay, reread that last sentence slowly and appreciate it. If you're straight, then picture women rubbing suntan lotion on each other and you'll get the idea. With that in mind, let's "hot or not" some more bro activities.

HOT: "Nutting." It used to be to goof up a photo, guys would moon the camera. Now it's exposing your Charlie Browns (minus the Linus) through your fly. Groups of guys all pointing to or grabbing themselves or each other as a "joke." Ha-ha! Super funny! (Never stop doing this.)

NOT: Making duck lips in every photo. It's not sexy, attractive or funny. In fact, it screams "I'm an asshat!" to everyone: men, women, kids, babies, dogs. Stop the d-bagness.

HOT: Groups of guys jogging together wearing basketball shorts. These baggie bottoms let everything flip-flop around, back-and-forth, like a genital metronome hypnotizing me as they run down the lake path. Afterward, you help each other stretch and then shower together, right?

NOT: Compression shorts, deep-cut tank tops, muscle tees, old fraternity rush shirts, Hulkamania singlets, backward (or sideways) filthy baseball caps and those creepy toe shoes. I don't care if you are Jake Gyllenhaal or Chris Evans—you shouldn't be wearing any of those huge turn-off items.

HOT: Drunk "bros" love to let their love for each other be known. They get wasted, say "I love you, man" over and over, hug each other for a looong time, slap each other's butts, grab their junk, twist their nips, grind on each other. It's rough, it's raw, it's funny, and it's much appreciated.

NOT: Guys so threatened by sexuality and afraid to cut loose that they refuse to even one-handed quick-bro-hug their buddies when they meet. They even go so far as to sit a seat apart at the movies, lest anyone think they are a couple. Ugh, lighten up!

HOT: Bros love to talk about sex. LOVE IT. The how and how often. Threesomes, with a girl, by themselves when they need help falling asleep. It's a source of pride and accomplishment. It's especially hot when they detail their "alone time." Masturbation talk is no longer taboo. Let's compare notes.

NOT: That one bro who loves to talk dirty generic sex, but as soon as a personal question is directed at him, he shuts down. Why? Afraid to tell tales, or are you just not pulling any tail? Either way, it's annoying.

HOT: Playing gay chicken. Look it up, then try it, and then send me the Vine.

NOT: Every display of masculine bravado that doesn't involve gay chicken. Seriously, I dare you.

I have to believe some of this behavior is intentional. If this column makes bros, as straight men, second-guess their bro-y activities, it shouldn't. Think of it this way: If a gay guy finds it hot, then most likely straight women do too. So keep it up the unintentionally homoerotic behaviors! It's bound to get you laid ... with one of us.

Jason Steele is a RedEye special contributor.

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