R. Kelly: The perfect song for every situation

Got a problem? He's got the musical solution

July 18, 2013|By Ernest Wilkins and Dana Moran | RedEye

Ah, Pitchfork weekend! The usual joy that only comes with standing among a sea of "cool dads" and guys in Superchunk shirts (that Venn diagram isn't as wide as you might think) is on illegal steroids this year with the anticipation of R. Kelly's performance Sunday night.

Some may scoff, but Kells has been dispensing all kinds of knowledge throughout his career. The man's got GEMS, people. Here's some situations you might find yourself in with R. Kelly songs that you should listen to solve them.

Situation: You're watching "Murder She Wrote" and have the privacy sign out on your hotel door.

Song: "Ignition -- Remix" ("Chocolate Factory," 2002)

Your day just got a whole lot better.

Situation: You're in a gray area in your relationship. No titles have been discussed, but you've got a lot of heat on you.

Song: "Homie Lover Friend" ("12 Play," 1993)

Suggesting a relationship that's equal parts homie and lover friend, how could you really lose? (NOTE: The author is not responsible if you end up getting dumped.)

Situation: You're dating a health-conscious type who is into the '90s hardcore makeout sessions.

Song: "Honey Love" by R. Kelly and Public Announcement ("Born Into The '90s," 1990)

All the smooth sexy fun you need, with no added calories. (BYO Greek Yogurt, by the way.)

Situation: You just came home from a truly epic one-night stand -- only to discover that you left your favorite undies behind.

Song: "Ignition -- Remix" ("Chocolate Factory," 2002)

Your day just got a whole lot better.

Situation: You're a very competitive person. Perhaps a former athlete? Regardless, you have Olympian-level drive and want to express your sexual prowess and show off those v-muscles that only people who go to the gym for 12 hours a day have.

Song: "Number One" ("Untitled," 2009)

The chorus sounds like a Jumbotron. Go bigger and stronger for way, way longer young Chicagoan!

Situation: You're an aspiring sous chef who is willing to risk your entire professional career for a marathon lovemaking session with that special someone.

Song: "In The Kitchen" ("TP.3 Reloaded," 2005)

The following places are Kells-approved places to bone according to this track: The kitchen, over by the stove, on the counter by the buttered rolls. Sidebar: If a chick isn't appreciate your willingness to lay the pipe whilst next to some freshly buttered buns, then she ain't the one for you, hombre.

Situation: You're way behind on your work and your boss is on your ass about it.

Song: "Ignition -- Remix" ("Chocolate Factory," 2002)

Your day just got a whole lot better.

Situation: You're dating a person who didn't hear of R. Kelly until "Trapped In The Closet."

Song: There isn't one.

Don't have sex with him or her. As a matter of fact, place an anonymous call to the TSA and accuse your date of domestic terrorism.

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