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Textual healing: Translating text messages

OPINION

(Bloomberg )
July 10, 2013|By Zach Stafford, @zachstafford | For RedEye

As a gay man, I receive a lot of text messages from other gay men. And as a gay man, I also receive a surprising number of text messages from straight men.

So after many years of receiving these texts, I have become something of an expert in translating underlying meanings and messages. (Not that I'm alone here. Many gay men possess this same skill set. It's one of the things you learn from all those years in the closet, right along with how to dress and make a souffle.)

So without further ado, here are my attempts to decipher the true meanings of real text messages I've received from gay men and straight men.

TEXT MESSAGES I'VE RECEIVED FROM GAY MEN

We met through a friend of a friend.

Translation: We hooked up on Grindr and didn't hate each other afterward.

Did you get persuaded into throwing that BBQ?

Translation: I have zero plans this weekend and I'm desperate to be social.

I was only at Scarlet for 5 mins.

Translation: I was at Scarlet all night.

I have a large problem.

Translation: I had sex with an ex last night.

Way too much cruising on Belmont for a Wednesday right now.

Translation: I haven't met anyone I like yet.

You should choose since I'm new to town! :-)

Translation: You're paying for lunch.

Ok cool. Have fun.

Translation: I'm mad I wasn't invited.

A saint is just a sinner who's been saved, gurl.

Translation: Don't judge me, gurl.

Who was that last night I gave my number to????

Translation: Please tell me I didn't dance-floor make out with your friend.

I just woke up. I'm really sorry, Zach.

Translation: I am standing you up on this date.

U need a glass of wine?

Translation: Bad day?

You have after your 30s to take it easy.

Translation: Come to brunch.

Where are you? (8 p.m.)

Translation: Are you on a date?

Where are you? (11 p.m.)

Translation: Why are you not at this bar?

Where are you? (2 a.m.)

Translation: Wanna have a sleepover?

TEXT MESSAGES I'VE RECEIVED FROM STRAIGHT MEN

At Fat Cats. Want to come hang?

Translation: My gay co-worker wants to meet you.

Give me an hour to get ready.

Translation: I need to finish watching porn.

If you bring beer, I will repay you.

Translation: Buy all my beer tonight.

[Bleep] got weird. I'll tell you later.

Translation: Why did you leave me at a gay bar by myself?

Be prepared for drunk crazy bros flooding the streets tonight.

Translation: Don't get off at Addison. Blackhawks won.

Tell me more, that sounds like something I'd be interested in.

Translation: Will there be hot girls there?

Not necessary, I had nothing but fun.

Translation: Let's not talk about how we made out.

Do you know of any resources that I can learn to make sushi?

Translation: I have a third date. Need to impress. Help!

I just got a free latte!

Translation: I successfully flirted with the barista.

Where are you? (8 p.m.)

Translation: You're late.

Where are you? (11 p.m.)

Translation: Are you still my wingman tonight?

Where are you? (2 a.m.)

Translation: Come over.

Zach Stafford is a RedEye special contributor.

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