Double down on your dating

OPINION

  • Steve Carell as Michael Scott on "The Office"
Steve Carell as Michael Scott on "The Office"
June 26, 2013|By Jen Kim, @thisjenkim | For RedEye

Zack Morris, Tia and Tamera, Michael Scott, Charlotte York, Starbuck and even Alex P. Keaton have all been there. Going out on two dates at once is no simple feat. In fact, none of these TV characters ever succeeded in two-timing their dates without getting caught.

Why did they fail so miserably? They never read my guide. Check out this excerpt. With any luck, we can make this thing a full book!

Chapter 1: Date Deception

No one wants to really deceive their dates. But we get into situations—sometimes purposeful, sometimes accidental—in which we make simultaneous plans with two people but are too lazy or chicken to cancel with one.

It's OK. This is where Date Deception comes in. Your job is to convince both dates that you are there just for them. In other words, you can have your cake and eat it too! (Why else would you have cake anyway ... just to look at it?)

Expert two-timing dater Kara (name changed to protect the innocent) shares her top tips for keeping both dates oblivious to what you're up to:

1) Don't change your clothes for the other date. We all think we have to change clothes for the other date, but why does that matter? Just because you see it on TV, where some guy puts on hat for one date, then takes them off for the next rendezvous—it doesn't work. He'll inevitably forget the hat, and then UH-OH, you're in trouble.

2) Don't make promises you can't keep. No, we're not talking about commitment or anything scary like that. Instead, don't make a simple promise such as "I'll go get us a drink" and then return without the drink. Ahem, your whole reason to leave one date was for that drink, so it's highly suspect if you don't return with something.

Chapter 2: Good Excuses

"Uhhh. Uhhhh… uhhhh…" These are the last words that should come out of your mouth while you are on either of your dates. To master going out on two dates at once, you must not hesitate—otherwise, you look like you're guilty of doing something deceptive or dishonest.

Before you go out, be sure to memorize a few excuses and practice saying them in front of the mirror in a believable way. The following is a list of popular and persuasive excuses, but feel free to personalize and tweak them to your liking:

1) My boss just texted me with an emergency at the office. I have to call him. I'm so sorry, I don't know how long it's going to take.

2) This [meal item] is making me really emotional. It's the last thing my [relative] ate before he passed away. I just need a moment to collect myself outside.

3) I probably shouldn't have taken that last hit of LSD. I think I'm hallucinating. Do you mind if I take a breather for a few minutes?

4) [Abruptly spill something on your clothes.] Oh no, what a mess! I'm going to go clean up. I'll be back in a jiffy.

Jen Kim is a RedEye special contributor.

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