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Here's your party problem solver

OPINION

May 30, 2013|By Ernest Wilkins, @ernestwilkins | RedEye

Ah, summer! Not sure about you, but I think it's about damn time.

Chicago just comes to life when the weather heats up. All the hot people in your neighborhood surface, work basically turns into "update Facebook no less than 34 times a day," and you come up with inventive reasons to get drunk. "Wow. Chingy's album came out 10 years ago. We should go get a 12-pack to celebrate, yeah?"

The best part about Chicago summer is that you'll get many invites to house parties and other outdoor fun. Now, a Chicago house party comes with its own set of rules and regulations. If you'll allow me, I'd like to give you some situations you might encounter while partying this summer and how to handle them.

Problem: You don't know anyone other than the person you came with.

Solution: First, introduce yourself to whoever lives there and thank them for having you. Then, park by the keg/beer/sangria tower/ice bucket. You'll meet everyone in attendance in short time. Have something interesting to say.

Problem: You don't know what to bring to a BBQ.

Solution: In order of necessity: alcohol, ice, snacks, napkins/plates, a side dish, meat, toilet paper, nothing.

Problem: There's no food.

Solution: Get better friends.

Problem: Early into a conversation, you realize that you're very drunk and aren't capable of coherent debate.

Solution: Take three sips of your drink, then immediately spill the rest on your shirt. Leave the conversation in search of napkins, then pull a ghost exit (don't say goodbye to anyone, just get the hell out of there).

Problem: A day of solid day drinking turns into an all-night affair. You've had four different kinds of booze and six White Castle jalapeno cheeseburgers. You wake up outside. You're cold, disoriented, and your contact lenses are super dry. It's at this point that you notice the smell. You look around and ... yup. There's poo. It's everywhere. You have no idea who would ... oh God. OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. What do you do?

Solution: In this order, do the following: Find something to clean yourself off with. Head to your car. Drive away understanding that you can never see or speak to anyone who was in attendance ever again. Delete your Facebook and all social media accounts. Shave your head, pack your things and begin your new life in Texarkana. All the best.

Ernest Wilkins is Chicago's wingman. He actually witnessed the poo incident.

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