The Bulls have absolutely no chance of beating Miami in this year's Eastern Conference semifinals. None. They can't do it. They will not do it. As a team, they are dead men walking. It's all over but the shouting. The cows have come home. The fat lady has sung. All of that.
And you know what? It's exhilarating. It's the most exciting thing to happen on a basketball court in this city since Michael Jordan. If you are one of the last people who isn't watching this team just because "what's the point, they're going to lose anyway," get your head in the game.
These no-chance, beat-up, flu-suffering, lip-stitched, spinal-tap-gone-wrong, plantar-fasciitis, Derrick-Rose-in-a-suit, third-string-point-guard, Google-Daequan-Cook-to-see-why-that-name-sounds-familiar Bulls are electrifying. They're the best game in town. By far.
I would rather watch this Bulls team lose than watch the Blackhawks win. The Blackhawks are amazing. There are times when their greatness seeps out of the TV into your lap like an overflowing washing machine. When they win, it's "hey, no sweat," when they don't, "hey, next time."
Meanwhile, the Bulls can't tie their shoes without a tendon snapping. Their backcourt depth is down to Bennie The Bull and whatever fan just won the tic-tac-toe game (both preferable to Rip Hamilton). Luol Deng has missed games because he literally could not get out of bed. Nate Robinson had his head stepped on.
They can't win, but they don't care. They're like a racehorse rounding the stretch on a broken leg.
The Bulls' effort will make you cry and call your mother and make amends with your brother who owes you money because life is too short. They can't win. Instead they are losing so memorably there should be a banner in the United Center for this team. "2013: Couldn't Win." What the Bulls are doing is—gasp—BETTER than winning.
Unless, of course, they're also winning. Which, you know, they might be. You just have to watch and see.
RedEye special contributor Ben Johnson is a comedian at iO Theater in Chicago.
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