The 8 people you meet after a tragedy

OPINION

April 24, 2013|By John Hickey, @johnnyjhickey | For RedEye

First and foremost, the people of Boston are in our thoughts and prayers for their courage during the events of the past couple of weeks. When any tragedy strikes, the bottom dwellers of society usually are the ones whose voices are heard the loudest. Here are eight types I've encountered.

Colin the Comedian

Overheard: "Sounds like the marathon was a blast this year."

I'll out myself first. When I read there was a blast heard near the finish line, I posted a snarky tweet about how marathoners couldn't hear it over the sound of them patting themselves on the back. After the full details emerged, I took it down and apologized to my followers. Comedians try to be "edgy" by being inflammatory during crisis; I just sounded like an idiot.

Conspiracy Chris

Overheard: "You know why this happened right? Because President Obama's trying to distract us from the fact that there's no gold behind our currency."

Chris once cornered my roommate and tried to convince him that the moon landing was staged and Mayor Emmanuel is a member of the Illuminati. Want to know what he used as references? Wikipedia.

Michelle the Martyr

Overheard: "Ugh, two parking tickets this week and now this happens? Sometimes my life can be so stressful."

The oversaturation of people like Michelle has suffocated our society under the weight of their inane ramblings. Constantly looking for validation and pats on the back, she's as out of touch with reality as she is ugly. And trust me, she's ugly.

Social Media Steve

Overheard: "Props to @CNN for their coverage at the #BostonMarathon. Click --> for the Reddit thread providing all the up to date info. #WeAreBoston."

Steve's doing his best to be helpful and spread the word, but that's hard to do when you have 74 Twitter followers and the majority of them are porn bots.

Patrick the Patriot

Overheard: "I hope they hang those mf'ers from the Boston State House. 'Merica."

I went to college with Pat and he never voted and never joined any political organizations on campus. Now he has a U.S. flag tattooed on his love handles.

Doomsday Dan

Overheard: "This is it! I told you all it was beginning and everybody said I was crazy!"

Go hide in your bunker, Dan. We'll let you know when it's safe to come out.

Nellie the Narcissist

Overheard: "This better not happen when I run the Chicago Marathon in October. Hope everyone will still come to cheer me and my mom on!"

Nellie makes me sick. She'll take any opportunity to bring up the fact that she's attempting what almost 40,000 other people are doing while connecting it to a national travesty. I hope while she's updating her Facebook status about her training progress she tears her ACL from irony slapping her on the back.

Misinformed Mike

Overheard: "I really hope those people in Austin are OK."

Mike is somebody's dad who doesn't have an email address or watch any TV besides Outdoor Channel. He's not necessarily a bad person, just blissfully ignorant. Like the majority of this country.

John Hickey is a RedEye special contributor.

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