The odds of predicting a perfect March Madness bracket (excluding the play-in games, because screw the play-in games) is approximately 1 in 9,223,372,036,854,775,808. Websites now routinely offer $1 million to anyone who pulls off that perfecto, knowing full well there are better odds that you—yes, you—could ever date Kate Upton.
The odds of picking a perfect bracket from this point on, however, are a totally doable 1 in 32,768—approximately the odds of you sleeping with Ke$ha. (Congratulations?) So don't be all that surprised in two weeks when the following all comes true.
>> Florida Crazy Go Nuts University (aka Florida Gulf Coast) ... will lose to the University of Florida. Barely. FCGNU coach Andy Enfield will be sad for 3 milliseconds, then go home to sleep on his pile of money and former Victoria's Secret model wife. But seriously, that Dunk City song is fantastic.
>> The Shockers of Wichita State will pull off a last-second win over LaSalle, and announcer Kevin Harlan will be tricked into making the three-fingered "shocker" gesture on national TV. He will not be fired, however, and will seem noticeably happier and effervescent in future TV appearances.
>> During Michigan State-Duke on Friday, Jim Nantz will be so torn as to which prominent coach to laud that he'll invent a new person, Coach Krzyzizzo. @CoachKrzyzizzo will gain over 100,000 followers before the game has ended, and Buzzfeed will have a "Top 47 Krzyzizzo Tweets of All-Time" post up before midnight.
>> Miami will edge Marquette in the ugliest Sweet 16 contest this year, winning 13-8.
>> After Thursday's win, 7-foot Indiana center Cody Zeller will announce tour dates for his new Mellencamp cover band, Cody & Victor & Jack & Diane, while driving an IndyCar past David Letterman's studio and ignoring daylight saving time because Indiana, I guess?
>> Your Final Four will be B1Gtastic with Michigan State, Ohio State and Indiana all traveling to Atlanta. But Florida will be your fourth team, and they'll be the champs.
Book it. Done.
RedEye special contributor Alex Quigley can be heard on WGN Radio 720. @alexquigley
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