Jonah Hill (left) flirts with Emma Stone in "Superbad."
Are you tired of feeling like a game-less loser? Do you leave bars empty-handed on the reg? Fear not, men and women of Chicago. Here are three gender-tailored tips to ensure a successful night of flirtation.
Step 1: The outfit
Attention, ladies! I have witnessed a disturbing trend in the realm of going-out clothes I like to call J. Crew Syndrome. Not sure if you've noticed, but the guys you're trying to attract aren't hauling kegs to AYSO soccer practice on Friday nights ... so why are you at the bar dressed like a mom handing out orange slices? For God's sake, break out the skinny jeans and heels. Yes, heels. This is not debatable: Every girl looks hotter in heels.
Step 2: Body language
Sometimes I marvel at how dumb girls are. Walk into any bar and you'll see the same thing: a little group huddled together, sipping Stellas and giggling like seventh-graders over how much body glitter to apply for the fall social. If you want a guy to notice you, you must position your body out so a guy can approach without feeling like he's breaking into Indiana Jones' Temple of Doom.
Step 3: Advanced tactics*
What if you've spotted your target and he's not approaching? Chances are you've got your eye on some cocky swag-master I want to date, and these types usually require my no-fail trick: look, look away, look back, smile and look away. Got that? Look at the guy and make sure he's looking back at you. He will be unsure if you're looking at him though, so after you coyly look away, look back and smile. This assures him you really were looking and it's safe to approach. But don't let him get too confident. Look away again! Now you're both approachable and hard-to-get. Damn, you're good.
*Beginners, practice on a no-risk target, preferably a University of Chicago engineering student. There is major creep potential if not executed correctly.
Step 1: The approach
No, it is not OK to walk up to a girl and introduce yourself. "Hi! I'm Matthew!" may have worked in kindergarten, but you're trying to get digits, not share blocks. There are a few ways to start a conversation with a girl that won't make you seem like Pee-Wee Herman's social doppelganger: graze her arm "accidentally" and apologize; ask her to get the male bartender's attention or make a bet with her regarding something going on in the bar. All three have worked on me. Then again, I once spent 45 minutes talking to a Stephen Hawking look-alike, so I'm not sure I'm what you'd call a "tough crowd."
Step 2: The drink purchase
To all men who think girls use them for free drinks: Yes, some ruthless harlot may occasionally pull a fast one, but the majority of girls are not trying to bankrupt you in the name of two vodka cranberries and a Bud Light. Think of it this way: Unless she's a heartless wench, you get to talk to her for the low price of $7. If you're not hitting on a competitive eater, this could mean a whole 15-20 minutes of conversation!
Step 3: The closer
At only 24 years old, I've dealt with some of Chicago's most notorious playboys and trust me, they're all reading from the same playbook. The no-fail show-of-confidence line is "Let's get outta here." Doesn't matter if you live in a box on lower Wacker. Doesn't matter if she refuses. You don't have to be Warren Buffett in a Ryan Gosling costume for this to line work. What women are after is confidence, and this line demonstrates an aggressive self-assuredness girls love. When you call her two days later, she will say yes to a date.
Molly Fedick is a RedEye special contributor.
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