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Have you seen my sausage?

February 27, 2013|By Matt Lindner | For RedEye

My former alter ego has gone missing after a night of barhopping. If you've seen him, please contact a Milwaukee sausage company as soon as possible.

Let me explain that last paragraph.

My first job out of college was working as one of the Klement's racing sausages you've seen on "SportsCenter" countless times at Brewers games. Police are now looking for Guido, the Italian sausage, after he disappeared from the back room of the Milwaukee Curling Club following a night of barhopping.

So many questions, so few answers.

First, why would you steal an innocent sausage? Second, how would one go about doing that?

The costumes are about 7 feet long and fairly bulky, not the kind of suits are easily hidden in your gym bag. Given their size, it's difficult to imagine the heartless thief putting on the costume and sneaking away. Even if the person were to get the outfit on, sneaking away wouldn't be easy. The top-heavy getup allows limited vision and even more limited range of motion with your arms.

Even though it's been nearly seven years since I last donned the sausage suit, I'm asked more about that phase of my life than any other. To answer the most common questions that come up: No, I wasn't the one who got hit by Randall Simon, although I was working as an intern in the team's media relations department at the time. And yes, the sausage race is an actual race, one I rarely won.

Running in the race itself is even more fun than it looks, though the costumes are hardly designed for speed. They're extremely top heavy and come down to your knee caps.

We never took the sausages barhopping during the parts of three seasons I spent proudly rocking the costume. The closest we ever came was a trip to the tailgate lots before a Bon Jovi concert at Miller Park. While we were out there, some middle aged women decided they wanted to know if we were boys or girls. Rather than simply ask, however, they reached for our shorts and attempted (in vain, thankfully) to take a look for themselves.

A mustard company has offered a year's worth of its product for the costume's safe return. I too would like to offer something—my eternal gratitude. Guido never hurt anybody. Please don't hurt Guido.

Matt Lindner is a RedEye special contributor.

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