Blackhawks forward Brandon Bollig is one of dozens of current and former… (Jonathan Daniel/Getty…)
Before forwarding the link, my brother asked if I had any interest in killing about an hour of my time. I said sure, why not. And now my life is different.
The link he sent me was to thuzio.com, a booking agency for former (and some current) athletes offering a range of personal appearance services. Live in the San Diego area and want former Seattle second baseman Bret Boone to show up to your fantasy baseball draft? That'll be $1,000. It might seem like a steep price to pay, but it'll be worth it to see the look on your friends' faces as they struggle to comprehend why Bret Boone is there. "Why is Bret Boone here?" they will say. Priceless.
Blackhawks enforcer Brandon Bollig is available to beat the crap out of your friends in a pickup game for only $500.
Jay Williams is available, too. Take him for a motorcycle ride. It's not on the menu, but if he'll play golf with a stranger for $2,500, I'm sure a motorcycle ride is negotiable if you have enough cash.
Or if that's a little out of your price range, you could pay $99 for a phone call with former Philadelphia second baseman Mickey Morandini. You could probably track down his phone number on the Internet for less than that, but for $99 you have reasonable assurance he won't hang up on you if you ask him if mullets and body odor were mandatory on the 1991 Phillies. The point is: He's available.
Former NFL kicker Morten Andersen is available for "Custom Requests" in the Atlanta area, so if you really want to dig deep you could probably pay him to kick your boss in the gonads.
Of course there's a depressing undercurrent here. There are a lot of people who spent their whole lives trying to be good at something, and then got too old for it, and now to supplement their income they have agreed to sell themselves to any random bored rich guy who comes along.
But there are also a lot of people who did that and don't get paid $5,000 to eat dinner. So as far as I'm concerned, bring on the Mickey Morandini prank calls.
Ben Johnson is a comedian at iO Theater in Chicago.
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