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'The Bachelor' recap: The rising and falling of ice queens

(ABC.com )
February 06, 2013|By Adam Lukach, @lucheezy | RedEye

I'm getting "Bachelor" fatigue, ya'll. Maybe it's because I write hella words rehashing the drama of adult women every week or because I keep an exhaustingly exhaustive running diary during every episode, but my fever has been replaced by fatigue. It's a long journey out here, and we all have been through alot. Especially Tierra. Just ask her.

Because she will tell you, oh man, will she tell you. I don't know that I've ever heard anyone talk about what she does and does not deserve more than this girl. She was again passed up for a 1-on-1 date, something she totally deserved. The move was most obviously a scathing indictment of a girl who Sean has repeatedly reassured, so what's the natural response here? Feigning hypothermia during a polar swim group date, that's what.

Sean's dates and activities continue to be defined by how "outdoorsy" he is, and if we learned anything from Monday night, it's that these girls are tremendous canoers and regular Paula Bunyans. So the girls have to paddle a few miles, then jump in freezing cold water. Some of the girls are good sports, some are not; Selma doesn't participate, but Tierra almost DIES. Not really--she avoids a robe/blanket/anything after getting out of the water so she can become a popsicle, very stupid, but is eventually SAVED by coffee and a lot of blankets.

How serious was it? "She had hypothermia," says Catherine. "Well, that's at least what she told us." Since Tierra has never lied, we must assume that she avoided imminent death.

Maybe I'm actually getting tired of Tierra, but then again what would I write about if it wasn't for her? She's insane and brilliant at the same time, though at this point I'm wondering if the producers aren't keeping her around somehow. Does that happen?

I'll get to more on Tierra and her expiration date later, but for right now let's do a rundown of the other girls on the show, the ones I can actually tolerate. One of these girls is Catherine, who gets her first 1-on-1 date (amazing that she was able to still have fun, forge a connection and not complain incessantly about it), and kills it. The girl has enthusiasm.

Remember when Sean said, "I want a girl to have some kid in her"? Turns out he wasn't looking for a woman already with child, he wanted someone like Catherine, who will kick the back of his chair, pass him notes in the hall and write his name on her notebooks "Seany <3". Or, like on this date, tolerate "the blizzard test," which is not a video game level, but a date in the mountains on a snow bus that seriously was in a small blizzard.

(Side note: Was Catherine's story about her late friend at summer camp not the craziest thing you've ever heard? A tree falling on her and killing her instantly? Was I the only one whose mind exploded after this? RIP Catherine's friend, though.)

Anyway, Catherine got dat rose, and if she has any inner crazy, she's doing a good job with it and at this point seems like a front-runner. Another front-runner would be Lesley, who low-key operated that group date like it was nothing. She even did math and wound up with the one extra spot in Sean's canoe before being a great sport about the jump and deserved every petal of that rose. These other girls are corny.

Actually my three personal favorites wound up with the early roses this week. The other 1-on-1 date went to Desiree, who bounced back nicely after a rough week in Montana. Thankfully Sean elected to leave her out of the blizzards, but he did made her repel down a 425-foot* mountain to have a picnic at the bottom.

*Despite what Des says, that thing was maybe 100 feet high.

While there weren't any blizzards, he did take her to an ice palace that had nothing on Superman's Fortress of Solitude, but was still pretty cool. While I was busy LOLing as they chipped dirty ice off the walls into their drinks, Desiree also revealed her dramatic past, and while it had a distinct lack of trees falling on people, she did mention that she grew up very poor, living in a trailer and even a tent at times. Props to that girl. She gets a recovery rose.

One person who could not recover from her big misstep was Sarah, whose big ploy to establish herself in the final half-dozen was to break out old family photos, always a stimulating date maneuver if you get the chance. Sean mumbles some nonsense about how he doesn't know if he's ready to meet her family (even though he has to meet whatever families are left in like two weeks) and then sends her home, realizing that he just doesn't see a future with her. ABC played up this dismissal pretty heavy, much less than they did with Kacie B., and it cements Sarah's long fall from getting the first 1-on-1 date of the season.

Do I have to go back to Tierra? I think she has one more week on this show, as Mother Ashlee gets ready to throw down against her next week and she found herself in that weird zone where you're one of the last ones to get a rose. Personally I've had enough Tierra dramz for this season, but this battle could be particularly epic.

I think that's about it? Daniella and Selma come up short at the rose ceremony. Daniella actually did get a raw deal, never having a 1-on-1, and Selma, I don't know what really happened there. Maybe Sean is racist (KIDDING).

MISC

On the rise

  • Desiree, who re-established herself as a front-runner and repelled down a mountain of love.
  • Catherine, who is on fire right now and has some of the most palpable chemistry with Sean.

Falling

  • Tierra, who finally might have pushed the envelope a little too far, but we'll see.


"Falling in love with him" counter: Steady at 4. We're getting there.


Quotes out of context

"I never get cold when I'm with him." - Catherine

"There better be a hot tub in my future because this is freezing." - Lesley

"I think Sean is gonna come save me, and he's gonna give me CPR and bring me back to life. Then we're gonna make out. So it's gonna be good." - Lesley

"She had mascara running down her face; her lips were blue. ... It wasn't good." - Desiree

"I love love." - Lesley

"Let's be honest. You're gonna wiffffe ... that?" - Selma

"I'm just, like, over having a broken heart." - Daniella

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