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47 ways to rock Super Bowl XLVII

OPINION

February 01, 2013|By Ernest Wilkins @ernestwilkins | RedEye

Look, we don't have a lot of time. Here are 47 ways to have the best Super Bowl XLVII party on Sunday. Ready? GO!

1. Unlike New Year's Eve, the Super Bowl is not a time to be fancy. If people serve wine at a Super Bowl party, arrange to have them deported.
2. Eat what's in the crock pot.
3. Unless it's "something they saw on Pinterest."
4. Unless that “something” is "put a lot of cheese in a pot and make it warm."
5. Take a shot when a commenter says "Harbowl."
6. Have everyone chip in 5 bucks. Then write down everyone's guess of how many times Jackie and Jack Harbaugh are shown on screen. Closest without going over wins the pot.
7. The first person to make a "Bootylicious" comment has to drink three beers in a row followed by a shot of the warmest alcohol you have on-site.
8. Try not to gag at that horrible super closeup of a pile of crawfish you'll inevitably see.
9. Organize a giant FMK game with the CBS prime-time lineup.
10. Everyone should dance during the halftime show. This may be the last one with a bassline for a lonnnnnng time.
11. If you're getting pizza, order it before halftime.
12. Don't be a jerk to the vegetarians.
13. Be a jerk to the vegans. Especially the ones who find it necessary to comment on how they can't eat "ANNNNY OF THIS STUFF."
14. Use 4th of July rule. Whatever the amount of beer you expect to be consumed, double it.
15. If you ask people to bring booze, you don't get to be bummed if they don't bring anything pricey. Host better.
16. Start a new tradition. Arrange a sleepover for the next Monday where all your buds crash over and stay up and then brunch it while everyone else is hungover at work.
17. You aren't obligated to teach anyone the rules of football.
18. Make all squares games/large group betting opportunities manageable and accommodating.
19. Don't drink and drive.
20. No, seriously. What kind of a-hole are you?
21. Feel free to decorate.
22. Or don't, screw these people.
23. If someone doesn't know who Alicia Keys is, lie and say that she used to be that guy from DeBarge. Try not to laugh while doing so.
24. If you're the only single person in attendance, drink everything and fart on the couch. Really get it in there too.
25. Be that one person who brings up how a random special teams player totally went to your school and you totally used to hang out all the time.
26. If you went to the same university as a player who scores a touchdown, proceed to yell "THAT'S HOW WE DO IT DOWN AT (insert nickname of your school here), SON!" Everyone will love you!
27. If the kicker gets iced, be sure to sing Foreigner's "Cold as Ice" in its entirety.
28. Don't use the Super Bowl to get laid: The odds aren't usually in your favor.
29. If someone at your party works in advertising, be sure to ask them super-dumb questions about how ads work and then suggest some ideas you have for commercials, regardless of relevance.
30. Take a shot when someone says "there's no good Super Bowl halftime shows anymore."
31. Don't die from doing the previous thing.
32. Only losers and people from SEC schools root for "the conference."
33. Wear a full football uniform to the bar. Don't take it off the whole time.
34. No bruschetta.
35. Making a Super Bowl punch so you have an excuse to use that punch bowl you got for your wedding is a sad place to be, my friends.
36. If you do make a punch, the ingredients better be: alcohol, alcohol, another kind of alcohol, and a tiiiiiny splash of lemon-lime soda.
37. Ignore the guy who wants you to try a cigar with him outside. He'll end up crying about his failing marriage.
38. Watching the Super Bowl, like most things in this world, is better when done with gay people.
39. If someone brings chili, don't spend 20 minutes berating them about not making it the way you make it. What are you, chili Hitler?
40. Chili Hitler is a wonderful band name, by the way. I want a shoutout if you use it.
41. If there are a lot of couples at your party, be sure to make a "so who's ready for the key party”? joke once the game ends. The ones who laugh are the ones you should be hanging with more often.
42. Puppy Bowl drinking game! Turn on the Puppy Bowl. Drink until it ends.
43. There might be a baby at this thing. Prepare yourself for that. Have you been around a baby when you're drunk? It's pretty wild.
44. New moms (we're talking > 5 months here) get to talk about their damn kid until kickoff.
45. If you have kids scampering around, don't get angry when Uncle Ernest tells them about what you used to do for beer money in college.
46. As always, be wonderful to the pregnant ladies in attendance. Avoid chest bumps.
47. Trick your guests by switching over to “Girls” at 8 o’clock.

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