Singer Alicia Keys figures into Redeye's Super Bowl drinking game. (Joe Raedle/Getty Images )
Is it just me, or does the upcoming Super Bowl already feel like the lowest-rated Big Game in many, many years?
The Harbaugh thing is cool, but no one cares about Ray Lewis all that much, do they? And if you're not a fantasy football fan, can you name more than one player on the 49ers roster? (Hint: Joe Montana left 20 years ago.)
But you know damn well you're gonna watch the game. You have to. So take Monday off and toss those car keys onto your roof, because you're playing the Super Bowl XVCLIWHATEVER Drinking Game!
>> For every word Alicia Keys adds or subtracts from the national anthem, drink twice. If the phrase "Oh-ba-ma's on FY-YAAAAH" is uttered by anyone on TV, light a Bacardi 151 shot on fire, then drink it.
>> Bet one beer with someone on the coin toss. Loser shotguns it. If you cannot find anyone to wager with, find a new party now.
>> Social! Continuously drink during the entirety of Ray Lewis' pregame dance. It's his final chance to ham it up on national TV, so midair refueling may be required.
DURING THE GAME
>> Every time the word "Harbaugh" is spoken, drink once. Vegas over/under on this is 20.5, so be ready. If it sounds like Phil Simms says the word "Harballs," drink three times.
>> For every touchdown or field goal scored, finish the drink in your hand. For the extra point, surreptitiously flick a half-melted ice cube into the hair of the loudest person there.
>> Turnover on the field? Turn over that cup! Into your mouth, we mean. You're starting to make people nervous.
>> If Beyonce sings "Single Ladies" at halftime, do a shot and put.your.hands.UP! You don't need a man! Or a woman! Maybe make it two shots.
>> If a commercial makes you laugh, talk about it for 10 minutes to someone trying to watch the actual game.
>> If the 49ers win, drink 49 times. If the Ravens win, get in an argument with your friend about your drinking.
Call a cab, and while you're waiting consider the choices you've made in life.
RedEye special contributor Alex Quigley can be heard on WGN Radio. @alexquigley
Want more? Discuss this article and others on RedEye Sports' Facebook page.