5 ways immigration reform would make your life better

OPINION

  • President Obama points to the crowd Tuesday in Las Vegas after delivering remarks calling for immigration reform.
President Obama points to the crowd Tuesday in Las Vegas after delivering… (Getty Images )
January 31, 2013|By Hector Luis Alamo Jr., @hectorluisalamo | For RedEye

Finally, the government looks like it's seriously tackling immigration reform. Awesome! This whole "Save the Immigrants" thing has dragged on far too long.

Still, maybe you're not an immigrant, or you've never eaten at a restaurant, and so you're asking: Why should I care about pathways to citizenship or DREAMers? (Not the John Lennon kind—the kind sitting across from you on the bus. Don't look!)

I'll tell you why you should care: The debate is ruining your life. Here are five reasons immigration reform would make it all better.

Congress gets busy

Over the past few years, we have come to expect divisiveness and ineffectiveness from our government. Imagine what would happen if Congress spent the next year doing the unthinkable—"working together," "compromising" and "passing laws."

Apocalypse! Buses turned over and set ablaze! A majority of the country reading books! The North Siders winning the pennant! The mere thought should send a chill down your spine.

Presidential pride

President Obama promised Latinos back in 2008 that he would pass immigration reform during his first term in office, and Latinos crammed into their cars and headed to the polls to vote for him. When Obama failed to pass the DREAM Act, which would provide a pathway to citizenship to undocumented immigrants who were brought here as children, Latinos were peeved. (We thought he should at least pay for the gas we spent on Election Day.)

In 2012, Obama came up with a grand idea for persuading Latinos to vote for him again: He told us he'd pass immigration reform in his second term. Latinos, ever the optimists, again helped elect him.

But if Obama actually signs immigration reform into law, a lot of people will expect him to keep his other campaign promises, like saving gays, saving the schools, saving Big Bird and saving the planet. What would happen if he accomplished all that? Again, chaos!

Preservation of sanity

Speaking of presidents, if I have to hear one more soon-to-be senator or presidential hopeful debate immigration policy on TV, I'm gonna tear my ears off and throw them into the lake. Don't test me. I'll do it.

'They took our jobs!'

No undocumented immigrant has ever taken any of my jobs. But they do seem to be filling all the jobs I'd like to have. Take landscaping, for example. Like any recent college graduate, I'm hoping to land a cushy lawn-mowing gig while I wait for stardom. But nobody's willing to hire someone looking to work no more than 40 hours a week and receive a starting pay rate of $15 an hour. (These student loans won't default themselves.)

An immigrant's never taken my job, but they're definitely making me look bad. They're just too damn hardworking and appreciative!

Glenn Beck goes away

No matter how hard you try to avoid the man—even programming your TV and radio to skip any station that broadcasts his frothy, ape-like babblings—your eardrums inevitably will be assaulted by arguments that Glenny thinks you're too stupid to understand. Pass enough reform, and maybe he'll go away for good.

I'm sure you could argue that passing immigration reform is the right thing to do because the undocumented are people too, with human rights and the whole nine. Or that a lot of the undocumented were brought here as kids and live in the shadows today through no decision of their own. But let's keep it real: This is all about screwing Glenn Beck.

Hector Luis Alamo Jr. is a RedEye special contributor.

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