Blame the curse, D-Rose

  • Bulls superstar Derrick Rose has been the victim of a curse on NBA point guards. At least, that's what iO Theater's Ben Johnson believes.
Bulls superstar Derrick Rose has been the victim of a curse on NBA point guards.… (Jared Wickerham/Getty…)
January 29, 2013|By Ben Johnson | For RedEye

Ricky Rubio. Derrick Rose. And now Rajon Rondo. What do they have in common? They all are lectrifying NBA point guards with last names that begin with "R." All three have over the past year faced arduous rehabilitations of torn anterior cruciate ligaments.

Can we regard this as a coincidence? A strange curiosity? No. Of course not. That's not what sports fans do. This is a curse. This is an unavoidable fact, like football players suffering a career-threatening injury after gracing the cover of a "Madden" NFL game or, you know, the Cubs not winning. If your last name starts with the letter "R" and you can run a fast break, you'd better watch out.

Nate Robinson: you're on notice. You've escaped disaster thus far on the merit of your shoot-first proclivities. Don't get too eager with the passing. Pull up for 3s. It might send Coach Thibs into apoplexy, but it'll be safer on your knees. Wear a lucky rabbit's foot, Luke Ridenour. You too, Brian Roberts of the New Orleans Hornets, provided you see any playing time. I'd take extra care to stretch first just in case.

There is a curse on "R" point guard ACLs. That is just basic sports-fan science. We operate under spy novelist John Le Carre's Moscow Rules, especially the one that states "Once is an accident, twice is a coincidence, three times is the curse of Brandon Roy."

That's right, Brandon Roy. The former Portland Trail Blazer whose degenerative knee trouble combined with the multiple microfracture surgeries of 2007 first overall pick Greg Oden to create a ghost dynasty in the Pacific Northwest. Together, Roy and Oden formed a talented core that has since become the Large Marge of NBA teams, their title dreams ground into a sickening crunch of bone and sinew in a grisly wreck that happened on a night just … like … this.

Somewhere there's a kid named Ron Runnel or Roy Rumpie or Renee Russo who's skipping bounce passes through another kid's five-hole. And to that kid I say watch out. Tape your knees. Change your last name to Ochocinco. Brandon Roy is coming for your ACL, and he's not going to stop until you go down for a year.

What was that? Did you hear that? "Stabiliiiize meeeeeeeeee."

Ben Johnson is a comedian at iO theater in Chicago. @itisbenjo

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