(Barbara Davidson/The Los…)
Two weeks ago, a friend posted a link to my wall about a new mobile dating app called Tinder. Within an hour there were 20 comments under this link from "friends" convinced I would meet my future husband on this thing. I would have taken offense if three years earlier I hadn't declared that I had met my soul mate on Chatroulette. Seriously.
Long story short: I tried it, and I am addicted. Here's how it works: You see a picture of a person who lives no more than 100 miles away and are prompted to press an "X" or a heart symbol. If the other person presses a heart on your picture, you are a "match" and can starting chatting. That's it. No profile. No work. It is the mobile dating equivalent of standing in a bar and throwing people out until you're in a room full of single individuals you wouldn't mind seeing naked. Efficient!
I understand most people are not as adventurous (read: reckless) as I am when it comes to experimenting with this type of technology. For this reason, I will break down the six categories of men you will come across as you Tinder.
The Notre Dame Football Team
What are the chances lightning strikes twice? Manti Te'o's online girlfriend may have been fake, but apparently some girlfriend is better than no girlfriend, even if her kisses and hugs feel remarkably like air. If your favorite movie is "Rudy" and you're willing to travel to South Bend, hit up one of these dudes. Actually existing optional.
Tinderers, heed my warning! I went on one date with a guy whose body would make Magic Mike insecure. Unfortunately homeboy decided to change his photo to a close-up while I was in the cab to meet him. The only thing I can compare this to is anytime Gollum from "Lord of the Rings" turns around ... and ... OMG! Who is that?! Note to self: Don't go out with someone whose face is better concealed than a bank robber's.
The High School Senior
Seventeen—an age of milestones such as prom, college acceptances and now, apparently, your first Tinder match! I don't know how many times I have to press "X" before Tinder realizes I don't want to shotgun a warm beer with the assistant captain of the Hinsdale Central basketball team.
The Forever Frat Boy
He's pushing 30, carries a backpack to work and spends every weekend at his college bar getting hammered like it's 2004. When he's not planning an alumni weekend, he's messaging you on Tinder to set up an Old Town Social date.
The Guy Who is "Less Than a Mile Away"
Tinder matching is based entirely on location, and eventually you will click on someone who is "less than a mile away." WTF! This happened at CVS the other day and I almost jumped behind the cinema-sized candy display. Was it that guy buying toilet paper? The guy checking me out? Seriously, WHERE ARE YOU? REVEAL YOURSELF!
Your Future Husband
There he is—the man you've been waiting for since your last crush turned out to be a recreational drug user. Whether you're into professional DJs with topiary-esque haircuts or finance guys with a passion for hard liquor and money clips, Tinder has it all—and for the most part they are 100 percent dateable. Long live Tinder!
Molly Fedick is a RedEye special contributor.
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