Nicki Minaj (from left), Madonna and MIA perform at last year's Super… (Getty Images file photo )
This probably isn't what you'd expect to hear from the wingman, but here goes: The Super Bowl isn't worth your time or energy. It's an American tradition that is in dire need of a shake-up. Allow me to break down why the Super Bowl is a bona fide crap-a-thon.
It isn't really for the fans
The corporate shilling is so depressing, it makes me want to sell all my possessions and go live in a tree like my friend Timmy D. I understand the ads are what make the game go ’round, but do we really need the third annual Valtrex Tommy Bahama Cialis Margaritaville Turner Classic Movies Celebrity Pro-Am Keno tournament?
The halftime show
I was going to rail on about how the Super Bowl halftime show has been more boring than watching hippos hump, but then they announced Beyonce was performing and now we're all good. Well played, Super Bowl.
The wang pill commercials
’Nuff said. Do you know how terrifying it is to think about the fact that lil' Hemingway may not be able to take ladies on a ride to Space Mountain? IT'S PRETTY TERRIFYING.
Not having a dog in the fight
I get wanting to involve yourself in the action, but what's wrong with just watching and enjoying the game? What gets annoying is when you find yourself making up some bizarre reason to like a team because you feel you have to. "Oh, I like the 49ers because the 'Full House' family was awesome." "Oh, I like the Ravens because my cousin used to listen to Baltimore house music and I used to play as them in 'Madden NFL 2005' all the time."
The parties usually suck
Having never been, I just assume all the Super Bowl week events are tremendous sex-filled romps where you drink champagne out of Michael Irvin's size-14 alligator-skin loafers. At home, though, you just can't win. "You have no fewer than four social media outlets AND my phone number at your disposal, yet you want to pick the exact moment the kicker lines up the potential game-winner to tell me your thoughts on 'Silver Linings Playbook'? Sweet!" Between people like these, pets, saying goodbye to that one couple that always leaves early (it's always the same one!), babies, pictures of babies, squares tournament updates and listening to your drunk friend Sully cry about how he lost a bet on the coin toss, is it any wonder you barely remember the past three Super Bowls?
The ads are never that good
Do you ever look at the commercials people pick as the "best" and silently worry that "Idiocracy" happened? "Oh, the horse kicked the guy in the junk and then morphed into a celebrity from the '70s who dances to Gangnam Style with a CGI cockatoo with Chris Rock's voice. It was a real laugh riot, you guys. COME ON!" The funniest commercials of the past 20 years? Tim Tebow's with his mom, that one where the koala gets punched and the second "Wazzzzuuuup" commercial. Everything else has sucked.
I wish I could provide a fix-all solution to alleviate the concerns here. The game usually is interesting; we just have to come up with a way to make the rest ... not so horrible.
Ernest Wilkins is Chicago's wingman. email@example.com
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