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'The Bachelor' recap: Maybe Kacie B. spoke too soon

  • Sean and Leslie attempt to break the sexiest world record ever, longest on-screen kiss.
Sean and Leslie attempt to break the sexiest world record ever, longest… (ABC )
January 22, 2013|By Adam Lukach, @lucheezy | RedEye

Competition lingered large in the hair on this week's "Bachelor," as the eyes became starrier, the sighs got heavier and the claws grew longer. Starting with an ominous Kacie B. voiceover along with a shot of an ambulance, it was sure to be a cold, dangerous reminder of the champagne-soaked, high-stakes reality of the "Bachelor" fantasy.

Sean Lowe reveals that he is "finding himself... (long pause)... really digging a lot of women." Cool it with the lewdness, Sean, it's really getting old. Learn to contain yourself.

The sagely Chris Harrison appears, offering timeless advice, somewhere between "Remember to breathe" and "Don't stab him with a stiletto": "When you see him, make it the best time you can."

The first date this week features Leslie, who has sort of emerged as the early front-runner. He takes her to the Guinness World Records museum or something, where he reveals that his dad set a record for wasting gas driving around the continental US faster than anyone else. Congrats, Sean's dad. Anyway, Sean has decided to embark on his own noble record-setting endeavor with Leslie: setting the world's longest on-screen kiss. "I'm proud of you, son," says Sean's dad, somewhere, I imagine.

Brought in front of a whooping mob, Leslie accepts the "very intimate moment that's not so intimate." So they dive in, trying to go one three-minute, sixteen-second round of tonsil hockey that will immortalize them forever in the record books, or until someone breaks their record. Until then, this will surely be an obnoxious, frequent conversation for Sean to endure when he's not married to Leslie in like two years.

Anyway, under the close scrutiny of a Guinness records guy who looks like a sleazier Charlie Sheen (somehow possible), they kiss and laugh and kinda touch each other in TRIPLE SPLIT SCREEN MODE for the full time, tearing their lips apart only after the record was torn down.

For a more intimate intimacy, the pair heads to a rooftop, where they wax romantic about how uncomfortable they make each other, and Sean basically challenges Leslie to kiss him ("I'm waiting for you to take control back.") Soon after, Leslie proclaims she's "falling in love" with Sean, and they make out under the beam of a spotlight on massive rooftop while confetti intimately falls on them.

The only ones not invited on the next day's group date are Ashlee, Sarah and Selma. The rest get to head to the beach, where they are there for a suspiciously innocent "hangout."  Their suspicions soon prove correct, as a fully-clothed, creepy looking dude suddenly appears and--oh, wait, that's Chris Harrison, here to announce they will be playing beach volleyball in two teams, and, here's the cutthroat, the losers get sent home. As the girls bumble through point after point, it comes down to the final serve. Desiree tells us how nervous she is. The camera steps back. Desiree, armed and ready, crushes an overhand serve over the net. The other team whiffs unceremoniously. Game over. Thrilling.

As punishment, all the girls from the losing team must board a rape van and go home without any supper. Desiree says, "The other girls are probably at home crying in their beds because they lost." Cut to the other girls at home crying ON THE COUCH, thank you very much. Tierra prepares to announce the last date, and it goes to Ashlee and Selma. "JK, JUST ASHLEE," says Tierra, flashing that playful sense of humor of hers--"Wait, that was, like, not cool," Sarah says. In any case, Ashlee prepares for her date.

Back on the beach, Desiree lacks no confidence, bragging heavy about her volleyball exploits, and, wow, Sean loves her confidence, dropping what's becoming his signature phrase: "I love that." Tensions are running high between Des and Amanda, who has screwed up her face into kind of a disgusted arrogance that's really quite impressive. The girl has no facial filter in relation to her mood.  When she gets Sean, she tells him, "you know everything you're looking for in a wife?" and points to herself, and he loves that too. Did I mention she's not lacking in confidence either?

Des, however, does not approve, bitching to Kacie B. about "questionable" Amanda's two-faced-ness. "I don't know if she's here for Sean... She's just kind of dark and just kind of creepy," she says. As Des ponders what the scary, gothic fit model Amanda is really here for (my money is on the hors d'oeuvres), it's Kacie B.'s turn with Sean, and, you know what? She's going to be a little selfish, she tells us.

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