Light's finally on, eh, Bears?

  • Marc Trestman is the new head coach of the Bears.
Marc Trestman is the new head coach of the Bears. (Jonathan Daniel/Getty…)
January 17, 2013|By Bag Boy | For RedEye

Bonjour, Monsieur Trestman.

That's a terrible way to greet Jay Cutler's new boss, but let's dive in with likes and dislikes about the man from Montreal.

Dislike: The whole Canada thing. If he's so great, why hasn't he been in the NFL?

By the way, the last coach we hired who coached in Canada? Neil Armstrong. Dislike.

Dislike: This guy is being talked about like the only player he has to coach is Jay Cutler. Um, sorry. Other guys on that team could use a butt-whooping.

Like: The guy has a law degree from the University of Miami. The last great Chicago coach to have a J.D.? Tony La Russa.

Dislike: Trestman coached QBs under Jimmy Johnson at Miami. The last coach we hired who worked under Jimmy Johnson? Dave Wannstedt. Ouch.

I'm not sure what's going on at Halas Hall anymore—I certainly have never heard of this "hiring an offensive coach who works with QBs" nonsense and "hiring someone who was a head coach before." The last Bears coach who had been a head coach previously? George Halas. And he hired himself.

When the Renaissance took over for the Dark Ages, it must have felt something like this. I'm expecting great painters and philosophers to live in Chicago, and maybe have some moats dug around town. This Renaissance thing is on, baby!

Let's not get crazy. It will be hard for the defensive players to accept they're no longer responsible for offense as well, but they'll manage. So will we. Now we just have an entire offensive line to fix.

And really, shouldn't the Blackhawks be getting the good stuff out of a town like Montreal?

Sorry, but "thank you for your patience" ads don't impress me. Especially since the list of things done to improve the team in the offseason includes: absolutely nothing. It's the same!

Apparently the Renaissance hasn't reached the Blackhawks yet. Send in the writers and painters!

And send them over to the Cubs Convention! If you're actually heading over this weekend, I truly feel sorry for you.

Well, that's it for me. I'm off to see my fake girlfriend.

Bag Boy is a RedEye special contributor.

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