(Lenny Gilmore / RedEye )
Within the first three minutes of our conversation, Marlon Wayans mocks my shoes, imagines an ethnically diverse array of naked women surrounding him, describes the peaceful way to strangle a cow and his plan to delay sitting on the toilet in order to fully savor his breakfast.
I’d prefer not to spoil anything else about my fireside interview at the Waldorf Astoria hotel with the 40-year-old star and writer of the horror film parody “A Haunted House,” which opens Friday. OK, fine: We also talked about impregnating stuffed animals, Wayans demonstrating the differences between black and white people through song, and what the actor would have had to do to make me believe him in “White Chicks.”
Welcome back to Chicago.
Look at you with your little canoe shoes. [Picks up my foot.] Look at you, think you’re cool. I want to get in those and do this. [Imitates paddling in a canoe.]
Are you suggesting I didn’t canoe here?
No! I didn’t suggest that at all. I hope you didn’t canoe in that lake; it’s frozen right now.
It was tough; I made it though. I know you’ve spent a little time in Chicago. Do you have any favorites?
[We’re here] by a nice warm, cozy fire.
I thought it would be the most intimate way to chat.
Yeah, yeah. I just want to get a pipe and some cognac.
I like that. Do you have any places you really hope to hit here?
I just want a bearskin right here. Like a black chick naked, me naked, white girl naked, Spanish girl naked, Asian girl naked. And you leave. [Laughs.] … But we’ll keep the cameras rolling. Because you know fun stuff happens with nakedness. What’d you say, favorite restaurants out here? I love going to Mastro’s. Mastro’s is always great. Great steak. It’s like I trust it. The Kobe beef steak, I think they massage the cow.
You can tell from eating it?
They play classical music. Maybe a little Enya. And when they strangle it, it’s peaceful.
As long as Enya’s playing …
That’s all. You can’t just shoot a cow. [Makes sound of a shot and a cow moaning as it gets shot.] That makes the meat tough. But if you have a cow relaxed then you just kind of softly choke it up. [Makes noise of a cow mooing and being choked.] That’s when it tastes best. Sunda’s another good restaurant. I like that. Oh, Yolk is crazy. I just had a red velvet French toast. It changed my life. I believe in God.
As of a half-hour ago.
Only God could make that and cinnamon bun French toast. I had to have ‘em both. I have a belly right now. It’s going to take me like three days to actually sit on a toilet and let it out. I’m going to savor this. I’m not going to go to the bathroom. ‘Cause I want my food to digest all the way through my stomach because it was that good.
Thank you for clarifying that.
You know I just like to do that. I feel like it’s awkward if you don’t.
I would have asked anyways.
Exactly. You want to know: “How long are you going to hold that bowel movement until it fully, completely digests.”
You already know me too well.
My man. I knew it. [Shakes my hand.]
Speaking of special moments, “A Haunted House” brings up a very important question: Does it count as cheating if you sleep with a ghost?
Absolutely yes. It’s still another man. Or even if it’s a female, the fact is I wasn’t there to watch it, so that’s like disrespectful.
It seems like it was more of a problem that she wanted to do it again.
Actually it too depends: Did the ghost orgasm?
How does one know?
Because if he just tipped it … and did he bag up? That’s the other thing. Don’t go have raw ghost sex. That’s just completely disrespectful.
Now when you have loopholes in the situation …
That’s why you shouldn’t have brought the question up. ’Cause when you ask a question you have to really define what that means. Do you want to sit here and define it …
Any healthy relationship will have this conversation.
Ahh. I know. But it’s just too early for me and you to have this conversation.
I just think it’s personal business. It depends on your preference.
In the film you do have some intense and intimate scenes with stuffed dogs. What kind of bonding happened before shooting those?
I don’t know about bonding before, but during we bonded. There’s all kinds of DNA, Marlon Wayans DNA, all over those stuffed animals. They were stuck together for a while. I had to really rip ‘em apart.
I thought people usually just faked that in movies.
You don’t understand how good stuffed animal sex is. It’s crazy.