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Translating text messages: Textual healing

OPINION

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December 23, 2012|By Dana Moran and Stephen Markley | RedEye

Ever get one of those text messages from the guy or girl you're crushing on, and it drives you crazy trying to figure it out? Of course you have.

In the interest of promoting a greater dating dialogue, RedEye asked two singles to help out each other—and the dating public at large. Dana Moran and Stephen Markley swapped nine text messages they've received from the opposite sex and volunteered to translate the subtext of the other person's texts on behalf of his or her gender.

We've done this exercise once before, and we're doing it again! Will this exercise advance romantic relations by decades? Probably. But you can read and decide for yourself.

MESSAGES DANA HAS RECEIVED FROM MEN

I've been falling asleep so early these past few weeks. I'm really not as lame as I might seem.

Stephen's translation: I am so lame. You should probably sleep with my friend.

Well this is embarassing, but I left my phone at home Friday and had to get it mailed to me.

Stephen's translation: Obviously, I was having fun and ignoring your calls. C'mon, it was Friday.

Ps, hi, long time, and nice to see a text from you

Stephen's translation: You were great in bed. I would totally do that again.

Its fine. Just a lot of nonsense in one night.

Stephen's translation: Why can't I meet a girl more like my mom?

Oh I am at a pool party but will prolly head home for a chill night

Stephen's translation: The cocaine at this party just got pool water on it.

Why did u leave me : /

Stephen's translation: Could you sense I have a small penis?

Want anything from Vegas airport?

Stephen's translation: I got gonorrhea in Las Vegas.

So. Rumor has it that I am in love with you....,..

Stephen's translation: [Group message to 5 different women]

I'm looking for a good taco joint

Stephen's translation: I'm looking for a good taco joint.

Stephen's final word

Texting will replace the novel as the most scrutinized, deconstructed form of literature. However, when in doubt about the fundamental meaning behind any given text, just remember what John Maynard Keynes said: "In the long run, we're all dead." So unless he/she is a real creep, reply to most of them.

MESSAGES STEPHEN HAS RECEIVED FROM WOMEN

R u at my Starbux?

Dana's translation: I've been staring at you for at least 20 minutes.

Is that shiz about the carpet fibers for real

Dana's translation: I'm still kinda a little drunk

Hmmm. Going out tonight? And where are you? Is that a bar?

Dana's translation: Because I'll meet you there. Or at another bar. Or at your apartment. Or in a random alley.

Canal and Fulton. If it's too far we can always hang out tomorrow. Up to you.

Dana's translation: Does this come off casual enough? It's bordering on the edge of sounding like I don't care, but I'm actually 96 percent desperate.

Let's hug. After you put on a new shirt that someone didn't die in.

Dana's translation: Your recent life choices both disgust and inspire jealousy in me.

Let me guess: you just woke up

Dana's translation: Why yes, I was waiting up until 3 a.m. for your booty text.

4 am? Really? Must have been a good night

Dana's translation: OK, maybe it was more like 3:30.

Tip: get your [bleep] together.

Dana's translation: Tip: get your [bleep] together.

I'm waiting for you! That came off way creepier than I meant it.

Dana's translation: REALLY, I'M NOT CREEPY, I SWEAR.

Dana's final word

Maybe 2013 will finally be the year we get a Women of Markley calendar. And yes, Miss July will wear a firecracker bra. But before you scoff too hard, ladies, remember that we're all guilty of texts like these—except for the one who couldn't just go ahead and type out another two letters for Starbucks.

Dana Moran is a RedEye assistant editor. @redeyedana

Stephen Markley is a RedEye special contributor. @stephenmarkley

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