It's almost here! The end of the world is finally upon us! At least that's what a small-yet-loud contingent of humanity would have you believe. That Mayan apocalypse—based off the roundly debunked idea that the end of the ancient calendar also signals the end of the world—is due to arrive Friday.
I, for one, couldn't be more excited.
Don't get me wrong. The demise of the planet and everything I love doesn't fill me with joy, but it does allow me the opportunity to get some things off my chest.
Consider the following:
"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel."
That's a quote from a pastor named Steve Furtick. It's what we in the biz like to call "some real [bleepin'] talk." Take a few short minutes to contemplate it and then make an effort to stop comparing your spot in life with everyone else's.
And now that I've knocked out the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" portion of this column, let's get down to the real stuff.
> The most attractive member of Destiny's Child is Kelly Rowland.
> One time in college, I once saw a girl drop heat in an alley behind the main strip of bars. She didn't know I saw her. (If you have to ask what dropping heat is, don't.)
> Brunch is a scam. A delicious boozy scam, but a scam nonetheless.
> There is absolutely no excuse for talking on the train during the morning commute. I don't care if your leg just caught on fire. You better make like Kirk Franklin and get your stomp on.
> LinkedIn is where fun goes to die.
> Every parody video that has ever been made is 1/18th as interesting as the original source.
> Stop dating people who resemble your ex, both in appearance and in action.
> Stop dating people you "think you're supposed to be with."
> Stop making small talk in the elevator if you don't have anything to actually say. Silence ain't gonna kill you.
> The most annoying people to have the "What did you do this weekend?" talk with on Monday, ranked: 5: Triathletes 4: People with children 3: People who haven't let college go. 2: Fans of SEC football teams. 1: People who act like "Sunday Fun Day" is on par with doing heroin while jumping out of a plane. No one cares you got drunk last night, love.
WHEW! That feels good. I appreciate your time. Now if you need me, I'm off to go withdraw all my money for "Ernie's Bourbon and Ethnically Ambiguous Hooker Armageddon Shindig 2K12." All the best to you and yours!
Ernest Wilins is Chicago's wingman. email@example.com
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