Merry friggin' Christmas.
I got my friggin' list and you'd better check it twice. I've been naughty and nice, and by virtue of me living in Chicago and putting up with this constant stream of mediocrity, you're going to give me what I want this year.
I'm not asking you. I'm telling you as a courtesy.
You'd better start by giving me a new head coach for the Bears.
Oh, there's a storm coming. And we're going nuclear. I want it blown up, torn apart and rebuilt like a modern NFL franchise.
So you make me or find me or steal me a smart, offensive-minded head coach who knows how to win with a pretty decent quarterback and all-world wide receiver. Those, my friend, are the only pieces we have in place.
I want a brand-new offensive line. One with players from real schools, like Texas A&M.
Not the crappy ones we got. We currently get ours from West Texas A&M. That's where J'Marcus Webb went.
Is that a night school?
I gotta have a new O-coordinator. I ask for this every year AND YOU KEEP SENDING ME CRAP. STOP IT!
I have to have a new tight end. Somehow Kellen Davis made it to the NFL without learning how to catch. What?
Send me replacements for Devin Hester and Alshon Jeffery. Sorry, they can't catch either.
Find a new home for Matt Forte. Yeah, keep dancing, Matt, and here's a hint: The holes are never there. Just hit it.
And while we're overhauling this, overhaul that. That being the defense. Bye bye, Brian Urlacher and other old guys who didn't produce this year. Nobody is fooling anybody anymore.
Tired of this list? Pull my file. It's the same thing every year! Fix it!
A new kicker, too. Olindo Mare! The guy's older than Garo Yeprimian!
OK, stocking stuffers:
D-Rose back please, and 11 more of him.
Eight more Anthony Rizzos for the Cubs.
Hockey can come back anytime.
Bowl wins for NIU and NU. Notre Dame, too.
Remember college basketball? Send some to Chicago.
Yeah, overhaul everything. That should do it.
Bag Boy is a RedEye special contributor.