Speaker of the House John Boehner (Getty Images )
Rather than going to war with the Obama administration over the "fiscal cliff," what the Republican Party should really do is take me to lunch.
While much hoo-ha has been made over Mitt Romney's electoral evisceration by Hispanic and female voters, what should really worry the GOP brass is how poorly he performed with my generation. The Pew Research Center's exhaustive study of the youth vote reads like a Republican campfire horror story.
I know it will be difficult to take advice from a guy who still sleeps on a mattress on the floor, but I'm telling you, Republicans, take me out in Wicker Park. Buy me a pizza and a pitcher of beer. Let me help you by explaining what's going on.
First of all, we're not scared of minorities. We're all like Stephen Colbert: We have a black friend. Often we have a Hispanic or Korean or Indian friend as well. Often, we are not even white.
I'm not saying race won't still play a role in American society. For example, I live in a city where the legacy of segregation remains powerful and enduring. However, we young people are uninterested in the race-baiting that has proved political gold for the GOP since the election of Richard Nixon. The only black person I'm scared of is my fellow columnist Ernest Wilkins, and that's because whenever we hang out, he gets me raging drunk and I end the night trying to microwave an unopened can of soup for 52 minutes.
Secondly, we are all broke. Many of us entered the job market just in time to watch free-market orthodoxy almost annihilate the world economy. We do not trust banks to police themselves, and even worse for you, not many of us will be rich. Rather than viewing our education—college loan forgiveness and whatnot—as "gifts" showered on us by a profligate government, think of it as a better investment than yet another tax cut for your wealthy benefactors.
Third, we never want to fight your idiotic wars ever, ever again.
Fourth, according to Pew, we are the least religious voting bloc in American history. Wow. So shocking when you consider we grew up watching religious extremists fly planes into buildings while American Christianity seemed most obsessed not with poverty or injustice but with policing people's bedroom predilections.
Fifth, not only did most of us fail to learn homophobia from our forebears, but we actually think it's quite absurd that gay people can't marry. Frankly, this revolution needs to hit you guys the most, since I'm virtually certain there are House Republicans who fear the president not because he's black or a Democrat but because they can't stop imagining his well-toned chest while they're making love to their wives.
Sixth, the weather is crazier than a $%#!-house rat. We need to do something about that.
And finally, we sure as hell want contraception included in our insurance plans. We like to get laid.
I know because I have a mattress on the floor, and that's never seemed to stop anyone.
RedEye special contributor Stephen Markley is the author of "The Great Dysmorphia" and "Publish This Book."
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