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How to dominate every holiday party

OPINION

(Barry Brecheisen for RedEye/file…)
December 05, 2012|By Ernest Wilkins, @ernestwilkins | RedEye

Rampant consumerism? Check. The same 12 Christmas songs performed 4,300 ways on the radio? You betcha.

It's holiday time again, people! With all the yuletide (second only to "delish" as the worst word ever created) cheer comes holiday party season. My inbox is bursting with people asking for Wingman tips for seasonal party domination during this, the season of raging, and like your inappropriate gymnastics coach, I've got your back.

I took the six questions I hear the most and applied them to your work holiday party, the party you throw with your friends, and your New Year's Eve. Ignore this advice at your own social peril.

Should I dress up?

Work party: YES. Dress a step up from what you normally wear.

Friend party: YES. Some people disagree, but I say it adds to the cheer.

New Year's Eve party: YES. NYE is the only formal holiday.

Should I bring something?

Work party: NO. Work parties usually are catered. If not, then provide something.

Friend party: YES. What are you, a mooch? Bring some booze at least.

New Year's Eve party: MAYBE. At a bar? No. At a house party? Yes.

Should I bring a date?

Work party: YES. Especially if you work at a big company. (I'm available.)

Friend party: MAYBE. Depends on the single/non-single ratio at the function.

New Year's Eve party: YES. Just don't be the couple that drunkenly fights all night.

Should I get drunk?

Work party: NO. Nothing good has ever come from clocking out on the clock.

Friend party: YES. These are your best buds. You'd be doing it anyway.

New Year's Eve party: YES. You should be a proud member of the Champagne Campaign.

Can I discuss controversial topics?

Work party: NO. You never know who will be a climate-change denier.

Friend party: YES. Less religion/politics, more discussing insane exes and sex stuff.

New Year's Eve party: NO. Spend that time dancing to "The Motto" instead, you dummy.

Should I take pictures?

Work party: NO. What kind of idiot documents his direct supervisor doing shots?

Friend party: YES. Take as many as possible—especially embarrassing ones. Blackmail, y'all!

New Year's Eve party: YES. As pretentious as possible. Look cooler than you actually are.

Ernest Wilkins is Chicago's wingman. erwilkins@tribune.com

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