Date: Wed., Nov. 7, 2012
9 a.m.: Awwww yeeeeeah! It's taping day for a little thing I like to call The Ta-Ta Parade, aka March of the Knockers, aka Hooterpalooza, aka Welcome to Booby Kingdom, aka Jiggle Belles, aka the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. This year I'm taking the stage as a musical performer (not in my undies though, ladies, plz). Anyway, since the ladies can't carbo-load, I'mma eat every bagel I can get mah hands on. Breakfast time, fools!
Noon: Arrive at da show. These playas in security just gave me a Defcon 9-level patdown, which means mah skinny jeans are STRAIGHT UP Urkel-style around my armpits right now. Dudes, obvi you know who I am, there's no need to get all handsy.
Noon-thirty: Snack table for life! They've got the serious lox chillin' in this bagel spread, man. I am one spoiled Bieber. If there's one thing that REALLY makes me go "baby, baby, baby" it's some kippered salmon and chive cream cheese on an everything bagel. Oh, and Selena too. Love ya, babe.
1 p.m.: Hells yes, Erin Heatherton is RIGHT next to me putting on some sort of tiny hat. She looks sexy as hell so cute, and I think she might be mah fave model because I can actually spell her name. Someone needs to talk to Candice Swanepoel about that, bt-dubs.
1:03 p.m.: Uhhhhhh nevermind, holy crap, it's Adriana Lima. Her badonk is so fiiiiine, it's like a bouncing pair of ...
2 p.m.: Yo, I seriously just blacked out for like an hour. Adriana was coming at me, and mah Bieb-knees just gave out. I hope none of these fine females saw anything.
2:30 p.m.: This chick Barbara Palvin has been giving me the seeeeerious side-eye from her makeup chair, but I am a one-woman man, and this man belongs to sweet Selena. And bagels. Speaking of which, it's snack o'clock! To dah lox! (Oh snap, that rhymed, starting the new album now.)
3 p.m.: Sound check! Whattup, Rihanna?! Yo, I mean, I dunno about these Hammer pants they've got me in, but ya gotta take off that sweatshirt ‘round ya booty and make it RAIN. RAIN. Chris Brown can never read this ...
4 p.m.: Barbara just pinched mah Bieb cheek and I got a massive whiff of her perfume. It smelled like roses, baby powder and an intense sexual romance novel where a woodland fairy seduces an innocent deer hunter and ensnares him in her love den. I'm all feelin' like Pepe LePew up in this backstage area. I gotta control the intense longing/not screw up mah makeup.
5 p.m.: Phew! Just got offstage from mah massive performance. Ladies were lookin' fresh, mah voice was FIERCE and I think I get a gift bag with a sweet keychain! Seriously tho, Selena has NEVER worn anything like this in dah bedroom, we're talkin' skirts made outta K'nex, sassy cow chaps, a tail made outta a sweater ... I'mma have to check out the new catalog. It's after-party time, chickens! Helloooooo Barbara ...
Want more? Discuss this article and others on RedEye's Facebook page.