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Translating text messages from the other sex

OPINION

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November 15, 2012|By Jen Kim and Anthony Roberts, For RedEye | For RedEye

Ever get one of those text messages from the guy or girl you're crushing on, and it drives you crazy trying to figure it out? Of course you have. ; ) (Sorry, couldn't resist the cryptic emoticon.)

In the interest of promoting a greater dating dialogue, RedEye asked two of our single columnists to help out each other—and the dating public at large. Jen Kim and Anthony Roberts swapped 10 text messages they've received from the opposite sex and volunteered to translate the subtext of the other person's texts on behalf of his or her gender.

Will this exercise advance romantic relations by decades? Probably. But you can read and decide for yourself.

MESSAGES JEN HAS RECEIVED FROM MEN

Hi ;)

Anthony's translation: The textual equivalent to a kiss on the cheek. Hoping for a tongue kiss later, though.

Hey. It was great seeing you last night.

Anthony's translation: I forgot that I had your number, and you looked better than I remembered. Guess who's back on my radar!

Sure.

Anthony's translation: I mean ... I'm not opposed to it.

Um. Sure.

Anthony's translation: Damn. Why can't I think of excuses quicker?

What are you up to? ;)

Anthony's translation: Don't really have anything to say, but hey, this'll get the convo started.

Good Morning

Anthony's translation: It's early, so start thinking of me now! Hey, I'm "making an effort."

Ur cute.

Anthony's translation: Testing the waters here. If I get "so are you," I'm in there. If I get "thanks," I'm in the dreaded friend zone.

i'll call you later.

Anthony's translation: Out with someone more important than you right now.

How was your day?

Anthony's translation: Look! I'm not selfish, just after sex or self-absorbed.

My buddies and I are going to this bar later. You should come.

Anthony's translation: I don't want to necessarily date you, but I do want you and booze to be in the same equation.

Anthony's final word

Sometimes deciphering texts from the opposite sex can be like watching old people fist fight: You're not quite sure what to make of it. When in doubt, do what people did in the '90s. Just call.

MESSAGES ANTHONY HAS RECEIVED FROM WOMEN

We should hook up my bff with someone. You think she's cute, right?

Jen's translation: My bff has a crush on your buddy Mike and is dying for you to set something up.

I'm hungry ...

Jen's translation: Can we go to that new fancy restaurant tonight?

Sure, love to go to the movies. Can my friend come with us?

Jen's translation: Don't want to be alone with you. You creep me out. Big time.

Hey! Just checking in. Hadn't heard from you in a while.

Jen's translation: Call me. Please!

My ex just hit me up. Drama!

Jen's translation: I'm trying to make you jealous. Is it working?

Don't have a boyfriend, but you've kinda caught me at a bad time.

Jen's translation: You creep me out. Big time.

What do you think your ex gf's would say about you?

Jen's translation: I'm debating whether we should hook up, and I'm trying to get dirt on your past relationships to help me make that decision.

How often do I run across your mind?

Jen's translation: Do you love me? Because I kind of love you. Oops. Is that too soon?

My friend just said I could invite someone to her wedding. Wanna come?

Jen's translation: I really need to make someone jealous at this wedding, and you're my last-minute pick.

I hate it when people judge you on your past.

Jen's translation: I've done some shady things. I'm just testing out whether I should admit to any of it.

Jen's final word

Romance is a lot like driving. Don't text while you're doing it because you'll inevitably get into trouble. However, if all you're looking to do is hook up, texting is your most effective wingman. Just remember: Text only after 2 a.m., use acronyms, and always employ the winky face.

Jen Kim (@thisjenkim) and Anthony Roberts (@antthewriter) are RedEye special contributors.

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