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I'm in love with my best friend who's taken. Do I tell him?

October 24, 2012|Anna Pulley, @annapulley | RedEye's sex columnist

Over the last month I've fallen in love with one of my best guy friends. Usually I would tell him, but the problem is he has a girlfriend. Trust me when I say I am trying not to be some home-wrecker, but it's becoming more and more difficult to hide my real feelings. Do I tell the guy I love how I feel or continue to love from afar?


Feelings! What I wouldn't give to bury the whole sodded bunch of ‘em and call it a day. Alas, then we'd be robots, and that would make for terrible advice columns. Example:

"Dear Anna, Does he love me?"
No, he's programmatically incapable.

The main takeaway from your question is: "I am trying not to be some home-wrecker." If you don't want to be a home-wrecker, then don't be one. Et voila! Thanks for playing the game of love. Your commemorative spoon and subscription to "Casseroles!" magazine will be in the mail shortly.

But, seriously, admitting you're in love with a dude who is in a relationship is a pretty big risk with a slim possibility for reward, and in virtually every outcome, you lose. A few scenarios:

• You confess and he doesn't feel the same way, thus altering your friendship in an awkward and possibly irreparable way.

• You confess and he does feel the same way, but not enough to leave his girlfriend. Shit is still awkward, but now you feel bitter for not being chosen.

• You confess and he does feel the same way and he either cheats on his girlfriend or immediately jumps into a relationship with you, neither of which are ideal or great ways to start a new relationship.

Or, you continue being his friend, trust that this crush will pass (they all do) and live your life with integrity. Making love speeches is hard enough with people we're actually dating. To do so to a friend will put you both in a compromised position that you might not recover from. (Think: jealous girlfriends limiting your time together.) If your feelings are intensifying to an alarming degree, then back off from him some. Take solace in other, less-confusing friendships. Respect the boundaries that you have in place, and the gut feeling telling you that making declarations to someone else's boyfriend is not OK.

And it isn't, regardless of how many Woody Allen movies say otherwise. There might come a day when you're both single and sparks are flying, and then you can rent a skywriting plane to tell him your deepest desires. But now is not that time.

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