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The 15 boyfriends you break up with

OPINION

  • Ben Affleck
Ben Affleck (Lenny Gilmore/RedEye file…)
October 23, 2012|By Katie Killacky, @katiekillacky | For RedEye

I've had a lot of boyfriends throughout my life. If I were Taylor Swift, some of my hits would be titled "We Were So Weird Together," "My Dad Can Stop Worrying About Paying For That Wedding" and, my personal favorite, "Everyone Just Thought You Were A Douche."

Marie Claire UK recently quoted Taylor with saying, "It's not my fault if someone gets into a relationship with me and then cheats and I write a song about it."

As a writer, I understand the need to express my thoughts creatively. Over the years, I have come up with some joking nicknames for my exes that I feel others might relate to. Please, help yourself.

Palm Pilot

This is the boyfriend I thought was the latest and greatest thing at the time, and I couldn't possibly imagine something better. But I'd look pretty stupid now if I were still walking around with it.

Cilantro

Everyone has an opinion on cilantro. They either love it or they hate it, but I've never met anyone who was indifferent to it. Moral of the story; I developed an aversion to cilantro.

The Goldfish

The boyfriend who always was there and I just took for granted. And one day, there he was, just floating lifeless at the top of my bowl, so I had to say goodbye.

O.J.'s Glove

Didn't fit.

The Knockoff

I had everyone convinced this was a very expensive article of clothing. But it was slowly unraveling underneath because it was never the quality of Chanel.

Britney

Oh man, so much potential here. But just ended up a disaster.

The Alcoholic

This is the boyfriend who was an alcoholic.

The Kentucky Cousin

Kind of felt like kissing my brother.

The Ben Affleck

Everyone thought he was a nothing special, so you left him. And now he's super successful and the perfect family man. Whoops.

The Mambo No. 5

Really fun at home in private, but you would never acknowledge it in public.

McDonald's Breakfast

It hit the spot like no other. But ultimately, it's just not healthy to be having that every day.

Rubik's Cube

I spent so much time trying to figure this one out it just became not fun anymore. So I gave up.

Old Yeller

He started off like the most loyal companion ever ... until I realized it was because he was [bleepin'] crazy. "No, Ma. I'll do it. He's my dog."

The Ricky Martin

He's a great dancer and super sensitive ... but he's gay.

The Cloud

I looked at him long enough that my perception made him into something he wasn't. And soon I realized he wasn't a bunny holding a hula hoop; he was just a cloud.

Ultimately, the goal is to have The Lemonade boyfriend. If it's not some imitation Crystal Light or packaged Country Time crap, I never don't want lemonade. I could have it all day, every day. It has nutritional value, it hydrates and it's sweet. I appreciate every little sip and I need a little sugar in my diet to make me happy.

Plus, I'm convinced anyone who doesn't like it is a communist.

Katie Killacky is a RedEye special contributor.

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