Hello again, faithful readers. If you're wondering why I've been gone so long, my owners at RedEye sent me to London this summer. Not for the Olympics—to brush up on my English. Jeez, did I really just make that joke? I promise they won't all be that bad. Neither will the Bears, as a matter of fact, who I predict will be playing in January. But that's a column for about four months in the future. For now, here are my picks for the Bears' season.
Sept. 9 vs. Indianapolis
W — This is not your Lucky day, Andrew. Ugh, I did it again! Just concentrate on the fact that the Bears will roll in this one.
Sept. 13 at Green Bay
L — The Packers will be salivating for this matchup against a Bears team going on three days' rest. I swear I'll bite Aaron Rodgers if he comes near me.
Sept. 23 vs. St. Louis
W — The Rams have no business being on the same field as the Bears. Just like I have no business playing in the street. Same concept.
Oct. 1 at Dallas
W — Two years ago, the Bears tripped up an overhyped Cowboys team in Dallas early in the season. I love it when this kind of history repeats itself.
Oct. 7 at Jacksonville
W — Maurice Jones-Drew is finally back, which means … the Bears will still win this one easily.
Oct. 22 vs. Detroit
W — Long gone are the days when this was an automatic victory. Winning by just a few points counts the same, though.
Oct. 28 vs. Carolina
W — I know they're cats, but these Panthers scare me. Just a little, though. Actual panthers scare me, too. Don't tell them I said that!
Nov. 4 at Tennessee
W — Chris Johnson could run for 300 yards and the Bears would still win this one. I'm getting tired just thinking about it.
Nov. 11 vs. Houston
L — Brandon Marshall and the Texans' Andre Johnson take turns playing grown-up fetch. Their version is more exciting. Trust me.
Nov. 19 at San Francisco
L — Uh oh, two straight losses. Jim Harbaugh's never gonna let us live this one down, either.
Nov. 25 vs. Minnesota
W — Now you can stop panicking. Unless Brett Favre comes out of retirement again. 1995 Brett Favre, that is.
Dec. 2 vs. Seattle
W — You'll be snoozing by haltime of this one, Bears fans. Fortunately, it'll be because the Bears are so far ahead.
Dec. 9 at Minnesota
L — I have a feeling Adrian Peterson will run all over the Bears again this time. Don't ask me how I know. I just do.
Dec. 16 vs. Green Bay
W — By this game, the Bears will finally be fed up with losing to the Packers. Took them long enough.
Dec. 23 at Arizona
W — The Cardinals are who … what's that? Dennis Green isn't the coach there anymore? Eh, he's better off when the team's going to be this bad.
Dec. 30 at Detroit
W — Matthew Stafford can't possibly make it through another full season. Which means even I can catch and sack him. So can the Bears.
12-4. The playoffs await, my friends. Now if you'll excuse me, I need a snack ...
Follow Whizzer on Twitter @redeyewhizzer.