The case of the missing member

OPINION

  • Prince Harry
Prince Harry (Getty Images )
August 29, 2012|By Jason Steele, @cbqsteele | For RedEye

The word "wang" probably conjures up a few images in your mind.

Maybe it's the bar on Broadway in East Lakeview. Or perhaps it's the recently leaked pics of Prince Harry, covering up his royal scepter. You'd be right either way.

In fact, Wang's bar plays up the double-entendre and plasters its Facebook page with images of hot men. It's worth becoming a Facebook fan, even if the images aren't always safe for work.

The bar also wallpapers its restroom with much more delicious—and by "delicious," I mean explicit—images of ... wangs. And not just random Internet wangs—this is customer-submitted wang art.

Yes, you too can make your wang part of the Wang's wallpaper! The bar advertises its wang policy both on its Facebook page and in the bar itself. "Show Us Yours!" it says and then provides an email address. (I don't want to inundate this fine establishment with unsolicited pics of male jibbles—not that they would mind—but you're just going to have to go there and get the email address for yourself.)

Since I am always up for rocking out with my you-know-what out, I sent a picture of my goods to the bar. A few months later, I was at Wang's for a drink and remembered the wang wall. Eager to find out if my 15 centimeters got its 15 minutes of fame, I excused myself to the restroom to investigate.

Let me tell you there is a lot to look at, and I was in there a loooong time. I scoured the walls and door, inspecting each and every image—in the name of research, mind you—but I came up empty.

There were a few that I thought could be mine but I wasn't sure. (Was the lighting in my apartment that good, or was the lighting in this bathroom that bad?) I was even tempted to drag the bartender into the bathroom with me for a live comparison. "Does this one look like me? I can't tell." You know, a guy's normal bird's-eye view of his manhood is different from the straight-on camera angle.

Alas, my member did not get membership. I was honestly disappointed, but then I had a revelation: Maybe it was such an amazing photo that someone ripped it off the wall for his own personal use.

I imagined some lonely, muscular farmhand visited Wang's. He saw my photo and took it back to Cornhole, Neb., gazing out the window on the long bus ride home with my wiener pic crumpled in his hand and a tear in his eye.

Or better yet, because it was Navy Week at the time, maybe some sailor boy now has the pic tucked into the springs of the bunk above him on a submarine somewhere in Lake Superior. They have submarines in the Great Lakes, right?

In any case, Wang's bathroom needs more wangs—specifically mine. I think I'll get some professional portraits taken. Maybe dress it up a bit. The penissibilites are endless! Then I'll send it to Wang's and see if it makes it on the bathroom wall.

My boyfriend would be so proud!

Jason Steele is a RedEye special contributor.


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