Wake me when the Cubs' 'future' is over

August 16, 2012|By Bag Boy | For RedEye

I have seen the future. It is here, and it is bleak.

I hate to use actual numbers, because we're more about the feel of things, but this is painful.

Your future Cubs. Brett Jackson has struck out like 18 times in 32 at-bats (a .563 average!). Josh Vitters, the third baseman of the present/future, or "the new Gary Scott," is hitting roughly .100. Starlin Castro, the shortstop of the present/future/never, has taken a nosedive since June.

Wait, there's more! Matt Garza, your stud pitcher, is done for the year. He's hurt, and probably gone in the offseason. Good luck getting someone good for him. No wait, I forgot, we only want "prospects."

Interesting word, prospect. I forgot what it means. I feel really bad for Anthony Rizzo. I recently intercepted a letter to his home. Here it is:

Dear Mom,

It's fun here, but I'm lonely. Remember all those years in Little League, Pony ball and high school when I was clearly the best player on the team? Well, it's just like that … except that there's no level higher than this! I'm stuck here forever! Please send a care package with Prince Spaghetti!

Your son, Anthony

We need to revisit sabermetrics and come up for the appropriate terms for "way worse than we thought," "we don't have charts that go this low" and "any openings back in Boston?"

Heads roll: Player personnel director Oneri Fleita has been fired. Problem solved.

These numbers do make you appreciate Adam Dunn. At least he throws in some homers with his strikeouts, though he's set to break the record—and I mean smash it—for K's in a season. Yay!

OK, to our friends in Bourbonnais. Brian Urlacher's knee. They say it will be ready by opening day.

I see "knee" and "MCL" and "PCL" and "soreness" and "scoped" and I'm thinking, isn't that what the offseason is for?

It's also for finding an upgrade at left tackle, but someone at Halas Hall pulled the old "Wait, don't touch it, it will fix itself" routine.

Like Urlacher's knee, like the Cubs. Chicago style.

Bag Boy is RedEye special contributor.

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