Robert Pattinson's having a rough time with this whole K-Stew cheating thing ...

A sad vampire's diary

August 09, 2012|By Dana Moran, RedEye

The news that Kristen Stewart cheated with a married, British director hit all of us pretty hard. But imagine for a second that you're Robert Pattinson -- his heart probably is slightly more broken right now. Before R-Patz has his first post-cheating interview with Jon Stewart on Monday, we took a peek at his (totally fictional) diary to see how he's handling things in the week leading up to his "Daily Show" appearance.

damoran@tribune.com | @redeyedana

Monday

Morning has become night. Night has become morning. I'm hiding out at Reese Witherspoon's house, but I can't revenge-[bleep] her because she's totally knocked up with some other dude's kid. There is no end in sight to this suffering. I tried to float around on a rubber raft in her pool, but then I remembered I have to stay [bleeping] pasty as [bleep] for this [bleeping] vampire press tour.

Tuesday

Wait a sec, if I'm a vampire, does that mean I can reverse time or something so that my lady fair never cheated on me? Yes! We'll go with that! Step one: Drink a [bleep]load of tequila. Step two ... oh look, a door frame.

Wednesday

Considering starting a band with Lautner called The Mythical Reasons Your Crotch Is On Fire. It sounds like a rully, rully good idea. Our first single will be "Kristen Stewart is a [bleeping] [bleep] who can go [bleep] herself on the slag heap." He isn't taking any of my calls though, so he's probably off [bleeping] her too. What a chump.

Thursday

Oh [bleep.] Just found new pics of that [bleeping] director with his hands all over my woman. Seems like a great night to stay in, drink a pint of my own blood mixed with vodka and draw mustaches on him. No wait, on her. Yes. On her.

Friday

The lads are trying to take me out and get me [bleep]faced so I forget about that hosebeast for the night. Not bloody likely, but I've never been one to turn down 19 free shots of whiskey. Let's make this one to remember!

(Later)

[Bleep.] Just rang the hooker five times and breathed into the phone. Said she knew what my lungs sounded like from all the insane vampire sex we used to have. I [bleeping] love her.

Saturday

If I stay [bleeping] ripped all day, I'll never have a hangover, right? Time to call Hermione Granger for a roll in the [bleeping] sack. I always knew she wanted me more than that [bleeping] pansy liver Ron Weasley.

Sunday

What should I bring Jon Stewart as a gift? I know. THE REMAINS OF MY RIPPED-OUT HEART. I'm sure he's got plenty of great war stories, the wry bastard. Ladies love the [bleeping] funny guys.

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