I'm not sure when it became acceptable to focus on the attractiveness of Olympic competitors instead of their athletic prowess, but the shift toward sexy spectatin' is more apparent than ever in these aptly titled XXX Summer Olympics. Try Googling "hottest Olympic athletes 2012" and compare it to "hotties of Seoul 1988." That's SCIENCE.
We all know the go-to events for eye candy. Soccer and swimming for hot guys, beach volleyball for women. But we've got more than a week left of HD Bob Costas; we need fresh meat and eye bleach. Remember curling in Vancouver's 2010 Games? Holy hell, no one saw the Canadian Curlgar or those Danish twins coming! The following sports represent the 2012 Olympicreepin' road less traveled.
Women's field hockey
Watching this sport for the first time was like Jodie Foster going through the wormhole in "Contact." I had no idea ... I had no idea. They're in amazing shape without getting into ripped-bulging-veiny territory. And they all seem to have the same ponytail. That works for me for reasons I don't understand.
Men's water polo
Take the fitness level of your glory-boy swimmers, then add grown men trying to drown you at all times. That's how you produce the mountains of muscle that are water polo players. And although they spend much of the competition partially submerged, NBC provides plenty of slo-mo getting-out-of-the-pool shots from multiple angles. Seriously, I expected to hear generic Skinemax music going into commercial breaks.
I'm talking the teams with actual grown women, of course. Romania's 24-year-old Catalina Ponor looks like Xenia Onatopp from "GoldenEye," only younger and bendier. Australia's 22-year-old Georgia Bonora resembles a young Nicole Kidman, if "Days of Thunder" took place on uneven bars. Rubbin' is racin', son! (I'm sorry.)
They're outdoorsy, their arms and lats are weapons-grade, and they've got survival skills in case you're stranded in the wilderness with one of them. You know the fantasy I'm talking about, ladies. Look up Tim Hornsby. He can start a fire with his bare hands.
Enjoy some quality time with your DVRs. You pervs.
Alex Quigley is a RedEye special contributor.