Top Ramen (Mark Mirko/The Hartford…)
As the national unemployment rate tops 8 percent, I sit here pantsless with no deadlines, eating ramen, playing "Words with Friends," watching YouTube videos and blogging. I imagine this is what heaven is like.
Don't hate. My job as a copywriter was "eliminated" last month due to a "bad economy." So I got canned. Dismissed. Booted. Discharged.
God bless America.
After moping around the house for days, I began to realize that being laid off can be awesomely beneficial. I can make myself a big bowl of cereal, put on a robe and watch "Fight Club" six times. Like a boss.
I can track down who's missing from my Facebook friends list and flood the News Feed with updates such as, "I'm about to eat all the cheese samples at Whole Foods hahhaaa!" Or, "I am sitting on the couch because I got laid off!" (Only two people "liked" my status? Whatever. I'm positive the other 296 were just jealous.)
At times I panic when I realize I no longer have a steady paycheck, but then I remember that no job is worth sacrificing my happiness. I even wrote this note-to-self: "STOP GOING TO WORK! You are NOT ALLOWED to be in the office, check your work email or work on any more projects!!!"
I mean, the perks here are endless: I have never been this tan. I have never played with so many neighborhood dogs. I have never spent so much time roaming the aisles of Trader Joe's during the day. I have also come to believe daytime TV hosts are real friends of mine. ("I love Ellen and everything she does for animals. Did you know I recommended 'Fifty Shades of Grey' to her!? For real!")
In the aftermath of my job loss, I can proudly say I make a great cheap date. Heyo! After eating overcooked pasta and stolen ketchup packets at home alone for days, enjoying a nice meal out with good company is awesome. I just need to remember to shower before heading out. (FYI, I am currently cramming in as many doctor visits as possible before my medical coverage ends. And I think I'm fine with the idea of a shotgun wedding with a stranger for his medical benefits. Just sayin'.)
I've considered becoming a human billboard, or dressing like the Statue of Liberty or a chicken, standing on a busy corner to attract clients for businesses. If there were a university nearby, I'd donate my body for science. (How much for my kidney? That's IT?!!!!!) And while panhandling with a black marker and cardboard may sound like a smart idea, the economic downfall has got me wondering: At what point can I begin asking for PayPal donations?
When my reality check bounced, I kinda laughed all the way. Just not to the bank. Yes, this could be the best time of my adult life.
DORIS DADAYAN IS A REDEYE SPECIAL CONTRIBUTOR.