Let's keep this real simple.
Jose Quintana is the White Sox's fifth starter. Philip Humber, it's been fun. You had a nice 15 minutes, but that's it. Your new home is the bullpen, and if it's not there, it's in another city. Maybe Charlotte, N.C. Sorry, it's a race. Can't wait for you to right things.
And Gavin Floyd, seriously, figure it out. Because right now, you and Humber are renting a two-bedroom in Charlotte. Hope you like NASCAR.
OK, how about this one. Floyd and Humber to the Cubs for … Ryan Dempster.
There you go. There's the front-line starter, Theo Epstein gets two guys he can work with, the Sox win the division, everyone happy.
Happy as they get on the North Side. Yeah, they fired their hitting coach, Rudy Jamarillo. Bizarre fact: The guy was making $800,000 a year. And he worked for Lou Piniella, Mike Quade and now Dale Sveum. I'm just wondering if he made more than Quade.
Anyway, the new guy is a Sabermetrics guy! You may find this hard to believe, Cubs fans, but with new coaching, batters will be expected to (gasp!) take pitches! And work pitch counts! And draw walks!
"Selectively aggressive" is how it works, and it has worked many times before. It's never been tried here before, so while it's being taught, the Cubs are on track to lose 108 games.
108. Hard to believe, but we can actually say, "It's never been this bad!" and oddly, it's true!
And it's bad. Poor Sveum. He's like the guy in the movies who's been given a team that's supposed to lose (I'm thinking "Major League") but rises up and figures out a way to win. However, this is no movie. There will be no rising up and winning. It's the Cubs.
It'll be a fun sociology experiment, though. What is the typical Cubs fan level of disgust threshold? We'll find out this year. And next.
But the 2014 Cubs, oh baby! Your MLB leader in walks and NL Central champions! Just don't ask about the playoffs.
Bag Boy is a RedEye special contributor.